How to Pontificate

Tired of being questioned by lesser mortals? Fatigued by constantly having to see the other side of every argument? Wish you could be dogmatic and get away with it without guilt? You could be that person at the party spouting off his point of view as if spoken to and ordained by God! Follow these simple steps to learn how to pontificate.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Have an opinion and stick with it, no matter the arguments offered by science, world leaders, literature, research, your younger sister or the evidence of your own eyes.
2. Pontificate proudly. State your opinions and beliefs without apology, equivocation, waffling, editorial asides or concerns for the feelings of others or for your personal safety.
3. When pontificating take the higher ground—not morally, but literally; when discussing heated topics, lead the participants in the conversation to an area of the room that puts you higher than the others, giving you a podium from which to speak.
4. Extensively research opinions to pontificate, but only those that support your beliefs, so that you are ready to hammer home the point when given the opportunity, rather than to gain a better, more balanced understanding of the issue to hand.
5. Practice a paternal patience and holier-than-thou visage in the mirror before pontificating before a live audience.

Tips & Warnings

• Be a man. Pontiffs come in one gender, so being male is a good start.
• Dressing the part could help. Costume shops often carry Pope outfits, along with the obligatory slutty nurse, pirate vixen and half-dressed she-vampire attire.
• Base your opinions on blind faith, questionable science, false information supplied by a biased media or the solemn belief that you have a direct phone line to God.
• Pontificating without regard to political correctness could be hazardous to your health. Expressing dogma in the presence of those it would oppress can lead to harsh words, violence and your posthumous career as a martyr.