How to Seem Superficial

Want to avoid tedious political discourse or in-depth analysis of the capitalist system? Tick off your more intellectual relations? Fit in at the mall? Appeal to the good-looking but hopelessly shallow? Only you know why seeming superficial sounds like a good idea for the situation, and nothing could be simpler! Follow these steps to learn how to seem superficial.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Latest decor
• Latest accessories
• Latest purebred puppy
• Latest fashions

1. Focus attention on your externals. Make your hair, face, nails, clothes, shoes and scent a statement about you: a person who wants to look good, not do good.
2. Start conversations only about skin-deep subjects: the latest blockbuster, the best-selling CD, the new purse you want to buy, the number of reps you can do on the chest press or your deep concerns about the celebrity du jour’s marriage/divorce/adoption.
3. Express ignorance if deeper subjects come up. No, you have no idea who’s running for president, never heard of CO-2 emissions and don’t know on which continent Darfur can be found.
4. Seem concerned about money. Bring up the price of anything you own, want to buy or ought to get for your birthday. Give the impression that you measure a man by the size of his wallet by comparing the incomes of people present in conversation.

Tips & Warnings

• Superficially focusing on externals means wearing fashion that says, “I looked at the latest issue of 'Vogue' and ran right out to buy the latest and greatest.”
• Instead of engaging in complex conversation when it comes up, put on a blank expression, gaze into space and if earnestly asked for an opinion, reply that you were thinking about whether you should have your teeth whitened again, do they need it?
• Need to seem superficial long-term? It’s all about the bling, baby. Dress up your home with the latest appliances, seasonal colors and most popular purebred puppy, disregarding your credit balance or personal desire for last year’s color palette and mixed breeds.
• Need to be likeable, while superficial? Focus positively on the externals of other people. Compliment your friends’ hair, shoes, significant other—almost everyone has a superficial side and will take a shine to someone offering seemingly sincere kudos.