How to Ensure Lesbian Bed Death

Lesbian bed death, that bane of long-term same-sex relationships, is easy to achieve when you’re tired of sex with a partner who, can read you like a book sexually and will never have a baby because “oops.” Follow these steps to learn how to ensure lesbian bed death, and guarantee yourself an uneventful night.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Stop sleeping naked. Wear baggy sweats or flannel pajamas to bed instead.
2. Avoid time together. Travel a lot, develop interesting hobbies, explore friendships with others or work long hours for no apparent reason.
3. Invite any dogs or children in the household into the conjugal bed, guaranteeing no opportunities for spontaneous sex or even snuggling with your same-sex spouse.
4. Lower your grooming standards. Forget shaving, hair dressing, plucking, nail clipping or attending to your cracked heels. Your lover should love you just the way you are.
5. Develop annoying allergies necessitating piles of used facial tissues on your side of the bed. Forget to put them in the trash on a regular basis.
6. Pick a fight and/or discuss in-law issues, inequities in parental responsibilities, work stress or home repairs, just before bedtime.
7. Take your spouse for granted. Why work at the relationship, fostering intimacy, when you’ve been together this long?

Tips & Warnings

• Get a puppy. Nothing cools ardor like the sleep deprivation caused by waking nightly to release a puppy with a small bladder. Babies work equally well.
• Fighting about family works especially well at cooling relations, and it’s easy to stir up trouble with a simple insensitive comment or two, such as: “Why do you have to have a sister like her?” or “It’s amazing how well you manage, considering how you were raised” or “I want to go to my mother’s house for Christmas.”
• Beware of trips together—-hotel rooms offer dog-free opportunities for sexual exploration and may prevent lesbian bed death from setting in like cement.
• Never attempt to take your spouse for granted without considering the consequences: Do you really want to kill the relationship, or merely neutralize it?