How to Hide From Your Kids

Kids: they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere, and sometimes you just want a minute to yourself. Alone! When you can’t go out and leave them with a sitter, your spouse or any handy relatives, you might have to resort to drastic measures for some psychic space. Follow these steps to learn how to hide from your kids.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Consider the obvious. Hiding in the bathroom is a time honored tradition in many households, and not just as a husband’s private domain. Most have locks for those times when the little people just won’t let you be.
2. Hide in plain sight. Do you disappear briefly to write emails, fold laundry or do housework on a regular basis? Let the kids assume you’re working, when you’re really reading a magazine, eating bonbons and contemplating your navel.
3. Put a door between you. Go to your bedroom to “wrap presents” (if there isn’t a holiday coming up, invent one), explain that you have an important phone call and retire to a home office or take an imaginary shower and breathe in the steamy air while you gather the pieces of your shattered nerves.
4. Slip quietly away when your kids are temporarily entertaining themselves, and set a chair behind a door near enough to listen and ensure safety, but far enough to allow a moment of freedom from need. When the kids notice your absence, let them look awhile.
5. Go outside. Sit on your porch, front steps or fire escape when you need to disappear—-don’t forget to draw the drapes and close the door if you want to remain undetected.
6. Crawl under the bed. Surprisingly, most children assume that parents would never stoop to this juvenile hiding spot, and you are assured extra peace while your offspring call your name in every corner of the house.
7. Install a panic room just for you, complete with video cameras trained on the kids, the windows and any exits from the home, while you gather your wits about you, sure in the knowledge that your home is secure, your kids are safe—-if confused—-and you might get to finish painting your toenails before being asked to find a loose hamster, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, wipe a bottom, check some spelling or explain why the hamster, on discovery, seems unable to wake up.

Tips & Warnings

• Garages can be great getaways when older children are driving you batty; suggest they clean it out every time they come near, and you are guaranteed free from interruptions.
• Switch the bed you hide under each time you use this tactic, gaining time as each bedroom is searched in turn when your kids realize you’re missing.
• Closets aren’t just for nightmares or gay people in the military; your clothes closet can be a handy hideaway behind the garments. Add a pillow and you’ve got a nearly sound proof cocoon for a moment of peace.
• Never hide from children under six, even if you want to. They are far too ingenious to be left to their own devices, would probably lock you into whatever vestibule you’ve sheltered in, and would be telling therapists about the incident for the rest of their lives as a consequence of your actions. A babysitter would be a much safer and less costly investment in your sanity.