How to Make Baseball More Exciting for the Fans

A slow major-league baseball game or big-time blowout can be a snoozefest for even the heartiest baseball addicts—especially with each team playing so many games in the regular season that none of them are very crucial. Here’s just a few ways the commissioner could step up to the plate to make every contest a thrill.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Fans get a free hot dog with the works every time a home player hits one deep; conversely, every time a home player whiffs with the bases loaded all fans must eat a live hissing cockroach within 30 seconds, a la ‘'Fear Factor.''
2. In games where one team has a lead of nine or more runs, a random fan will be selected to play center field for an inning.
3. Allow all the players to take steroids unchecked for years, resulting in a league of muscle-bound sluggers who aim for the fences every swing. Oh, that’s been done already?
4. Everybody loves ‘'dot racing." Do we even really need the baseball game?
5. Have a lengthy poetry reading at the midpoint of the game, reading from the works of Keats, Byron, Whitman and the like. Any baseball will seem thrilling by comparison.
6. Play the game indoors and change the rules so they use a larger bouncing ball, hoops on each end of a ‘'court," and no bats, bases or gloves. I’m surprised no one has thought of this before.
7. Flash a reminder on the big screen every half-inning of a dull game: AT LEAST IT’S NOT SOCCER!

Tips & Warnings

• Play ‘'The Macarena" over the PA system every half-inning, with fans joining in to the various movements of the song. That wacky little hit will never go out of style!