How to watch re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210

Pay close attention, pets--this is serious stuff. Kids crying? Forget 'em. Bills piling up? Ignore 'em. Legs hairy? Let 'em go. This is 90's night-soaps, people--nothing could be more important. So buckle down and show me your priorities.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Tivo all your BevHi, of course. Don't have tivo? Get it. It will change your life. No, not your television-watching life, your LIFE life.
2. Every day (but sat and sun) SoapNet runs BevHi in order, two episodes a day.
3. Familiarize yourself with the characters. If you're coming to this brilliant drama for the first time now, rent season one on dvd. To watch the program without knowing the genesis, specifically Brenda Walsh, is tragic and unfair.
4. Fast forward through most (all) of Steve Sanders' plot lines--he's, like, 40 playing a 18 year old in ADDITION to being ugly.
5. Make fun of Andrea Zuckerman--also a senior citizen portraying a high school student--because she's so ridiculously dressed and heinous.
6. Fall in sort of embarrassed love with Brandon Walsh, but NOT with Dylan McKay. Mostly because Jason Priestley is, con incidentally the bad boy in real life, although he portrays the morally grounded, "good guy" in the show. Luke Perry, however, plays a perpetually drunk, infantile, emotionally crippled disaster, and is actually a total bore in real life. HE never crashed HIS racing car going 160 mph. Snooze.

Tips & Warnings

• When watching Kelly Taylor--the blonde bimbette turned serious scholar--look for her flaring nostrils when she feels as though she's really "acting".