How to look gorj with less daily effort

You're gonna get all irritated and pissy with me for suggesting the following things. You will tell me that it's the OPPOSITE of making life easier. You'll say "Audie. This is far MORE than I've EVER done!" And you're right. Sort of. BUT. If you carve out a little window of time to get all this tedious crap done, you'll spend far less time in the morning. It's like buying your herbs--if you clean and prepare them right after your big weekly shop, your nightly dinners are far quicker and easier. Keep in mind that this advice is also coming from someone who buys 50 rolls of paper towels in bulk--I figure, you'll always need them, so why not reduce the price per roll to, like, 17 cents? The fact that I have to rent a storage space to house my Bounty is immaterial.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. If you're a self-respecting woman of any background, ethnicity or socioeconomic status, you know that if you had to wear only ONE thing when you emerge into the world each morning, it should be mascara. Seriously. Even more important than a bra. Or pants. But sadly, women don't spend nearly enough time on their lovely lashes. So if you know you're going to skimp, get a terribly cheap, ridiculously easy and quick Lash Tint. If you really want to make your life easy, you'll try a lash perm as well. Any little salon will do. You won't believe the Twiggy-like, wide-eyed, Mia-Farrow-be-damned difference. And when you forget about your eyes in the morning, they'll still have rich, long darkened lashes to frame your neglected face.
2. Something which makes us all look better, younger and glowier is a subtle tan. Now, if you're a pale, freckled beauty, ignore this completely--your alabaster complexion is a gift from god not to be fettered with. But if you're a middling, sorta olive, kinda pinkish white person with no discernible "color", use a self-tanner every day. Use one of those "hint of color" products like Jergens (the best one out there) to give you a Tahiti-vacation glow. You'll need less makeup and, paradoxically, people will constantly say you look "healthy".
3. Get a wide-barrelled body wave if you have long hair--it will look "done" when you wear it down, and have shape to it when it's ponytailed. If you have medium-ish hair, cut to shoulder-grazing length. This length is wildly easy to maintain, requires very little in the morning, and you'll feel that spring in your step that only a short haircut can provide.
4. Invest in a waxer OR buy yourself one of those torture-devices from Emjoi which pulls your leg-hair out by the roots. Both options seem truly cruel and unusual, but will save time in the morning. Shaving takes a whopping 6 minutes every morning--which will now mean 6 extra minutes of dreaming sweatily about Clive Owen.
5. I know I mention this in practically every article I write, but that's only to illustrate how utterly, frighteningly passionate I am about it. BLEACH YOUR FREAKING TEETH. Pearly whites are almost enough to step out of your door with no makeup on, but if you have a slight tan, a bouncy do and darkened lashes to boot, you're ready for any swanky soiree with virtually no effort!

Tips & Warnings

• See? That's a lot of work. A lot to think about. But do your thinking/working in bulk. Like Bounty.