How to go to bed

Sure you could just collapse on top of your bed, shoes and all. You could even throw on some pj's and find your way under the covers of your un-made bed. But, oh pets. Those options are terribly jejune. When it comes to relaxing and downright unconsciousness, I wrote the book. Or at least the article...

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Hire a maid who does laundry--there are cleaning ladies who will clean your entire home, do your 4 loads of laundry, cook you a 7 course meal, walk your dog and be a surrogate mother should you need one, for a mere 50 bucks. The last three on that list were a complete lie, but come on--a clean apartment and a fluff 'n' folder who arrives on your doorstep is pretty thrilling. What does this have to do with going to bed?
   Ahhhh.
   Nothing promotes deep REM cycles and rainbow-filled dreams like freshly-washed bedding. Climbing into cool, clean sheets with a cracklingly fresh comforter is life's most thrilling pleasure. Climbing into that bed knowing you never have to wrestle with unruly duvets and shams is life's second most thrilling pleasure.
2. If it's been a muggy day, or even a non-muggy day, take a quick shower before bed. You can even don a granny shower-cap if you must. You'll feel so comfortable once you're cocooned inside your (also clean) marshmallowy comforter, you'll nod right off.
3. Before you set one toe in your bed, do all your busy work: shutting the appropriate lights, locking the door, setting the alarm, etc. Once you're in, allow for a anxiety-free snooze by allowing yourself to think only of your own comfort.
4. Stash as many appropriate moisturizing agents in your bedside table--a soothing lip balm, a hand cream, a body lotion. All that freshly-washedness can make a girl's skin crispy. Be prepared.
5. If music lullabys you to torpidity, be sure it's on a timer. Those same sounds, when asleep, might not let you snooze as deeply.

Tips & Warnings

• Use a sleep mask--boys too. Boys--you will have a hard time finding one that doesn't announce that you're a "Princess" or "I'm sweepy" but nevertheless, try one. The slight pressure on your lids will allow your eyes themselves to feel more rested in the a.m.