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Step 1
When you talk to someone, face them. Stand or sit up straight and don't fidget. Fidgeting makes you look nervous, bored or distracted. Always give the other person your attention when they are speaking. Listening well is the first step to getting others to listen to you.
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Step 2
Speak with "I" messages which show that you are responsible for your own feelings. "I feel angry when you refuse to help out with the dishes" is assertive. "You make me mad when you won't help with the dishes" is whiney and blaming. It's always more honest to own your feelings because others aren't responsible for them no matter what they've done-you are.
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Step 3
Keep your facial expressions calm and pleasant. Maintaining eye contact helps the other person to see you as equal. It also shows that you are really listening. It also keeps you from unknowingly revealing everything you are thinking through your expressions.
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Step 4
Repeat what the other person has said with a statement like, "so I understand that you are saying..." This makes others feel understood and if there are any misconceptions, they can be corrected immediately. Ask for clarification on anything you still don't understand.
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Step 5
When you speak to others, use facts, not judgments. People give more weight to information than to opinions. Speak in clear, understandable sentences, in everyday language. Don't speak down to others but don't use words designed to impress, which often make others feel defensive. This isn't in the best interest of a win-win situation--or a relationship with someone else.
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Step 6
Keep your temper under control. If you must, excuse yourself. Say that you need to go to the restroom and disappear for a few minutes to compose yourself. You will never be taken seriously if you lose it emotionally. If you bully or berate someone even one time it will be hard to get that person or anyone else in earshot to listen to you in the future.
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Step 7
Use the "instant replay" button if you must. This is a technique of repeating the same information in a calm, steady voice over and over. If your teenager is arguing with you, stay calm and repeat your position continually. "You cannot go out tonight. We are all going to the Smiths for dinner." This works well with clerks who don't want to issue refunds, coworkers who want you to do their work and in many other situations.
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Step 8
Another technique is known as partial agreement. In this case you would say to a store clerk something along the lines of, "I know that the store prefers to give merchandise credits but your ad says you have a money back guarantee and that is what I would like." This shows understanding and even a little empathy while still conveying your case.
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Step 9
Another technique involves distraction. Switch from the topic to the person's behavior. Use it when inappropriate comments or erroneous information enter the conversation. For example, say to a coworker who always takes advantage, "I don't know why you believe that sarcasm and whining will work here. This isn't appropriate behavior in a business environment."
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Step 10
If anger creeps in, you can get right to the problem by saying something like, "Wait a minute. What just happened here? We're getting nowhere. When did we get off track?" There are times when you need to take time out to let tensions defuse. Take a break if emotions are getting out of hand on either side.
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Step 11
Speak assertively by saying exactly what you mean. Be very specific. Use facts, not feelings. Keep your cool. Use techniques to defuse anger and focus as well as to guide the conversation where you want it to go. Practice these techniques with a friend before any confrontational conversations come up and you'll be prepared to handle almost anything-or anyone.
