How to dissect the Oscars

I'm happy to report that we have moved on from the punched-in-the-face look back from the Golden Globes. I'm now playing a little game I like to call "Above or Below?". The game emerged from my utter confusion while intensely scrutinizing our beloved, carpet-walking stars and here's my conclusion: I don't think there has ever been greater incongruity between the success of a starlet's hair/makeup as compared to her fright of a dress--and vice versa--as there was last night. Allow me to explain.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. You see Penelope float onto your screen. You feel that palpable excitement that only comes from a gorgeous girl wearing a gorgeous dress. You're loving the feathered skirt, the nude-blush hue, the perfectly fitted bodice--but what's wrong? Why don't you feel that rush? Ah HA! She was a disaster ABOVE the neck! Penelope is a stunner, don't misunderstand, but she's a girl who needs a bang. Or at least something swept over that massive forehead and ears. See? Success below, disappointment above! It's easy! Now you try.
   Oh wait. I have another.
   Helen Mirren.
   Perhaps you thought she looked beautiful and regal. But you would be incorrect. It was above-the-neck trickery! It's true that her hair and makeup were flawless, but below the neck it was Chico's formalwear.
2. Now, don't get me wrong--there were clear cut heinosities. For example, Diaz decided to wear a paper napkin. Also, Biel has now been officially de-throned of her "hottest Jessica" title with that kinky nub of a bun. And please--I can barely discuss Rachel Weisz soiling my screen with not only that horrid blood-red lip, but also those chunky, competing silver adornments. Utterly hideous. Now, J. Hud would have been on this list but she smartly ditched that shiny shrug/cape (shrape?) eyesore just in time for her acceptance speech. In addition to her well-deserved supporting actress Oscar, the Hud should have also won a gold man for her perfect award-show makeup--that shimmering, beautifully-blended creation didn't even think about creasing--and considering her sing-off with Beyonce, that's quite a feat. But for me, the obvious loser of the evening was Kirsten Dunst. She's a shining example of what happens WHEN STARS DRESS THEMSELVES! I know we all hate Rachel Zoe and her pronounced nasal-labial folds, but Kee-riste! Kirsten's limp bangs and blah dress remind us that stylists actually serve a purpose.
3. I'm worried you guys. I really am. I adore Kate Winslet--I may or may not even have a little bit of a woman-crush on her. BUT. The girl is 32. What is happening with the excessive crow's feet? She's a beauty, but she and Cameron are in a scarily close competition for the early-thirty bombshells who are falling apart at the seams. You're fabulously rich--slather on some Regenerist eye cream for heaven's sake.
4. Does anyone else object to the makeup category at the Oscar's? Where are the nominees for simple, beauty makeup for films where the artist's subtle hand enhances a character without anyone noticing? But I guess until I learn how to transform Bill Nighy into an octopus, I'll never have a chance. Oops--I think I hear the strains of strings shoo-ing me off my soapbox...
   Moving swiftly on.
5. I'm worried about neck cramping. Why, you ask? It's all this hair swept to one side. Frankly, I'm shocked that Gwyneth and Nicole's frail bodies didn't plummet to the ground with all those left-leaning extensions. And speaking of Nic, did she ask her animated wax doppelganger to stand in for her last night? What is happening with that girl's face? Although the fact that anything overshadowed her vile dress was truly impressive!
6. Amidst my exacting critique, I also have a few favorites. I did love Reese again. And Gwynnie's asymmetrical hair notwithstanding, I adored her dark nude Zac Posen gown. And Rinko Kukuchi's whole head is the hands-down winner for above-the-neck beauty.
7. So in closing, I will leave you with this: We may not have Lara Flynn or Bjork, so thank GOD for Sally Kirkland's multicolored, parasailing frock. But as I'm sure you'll agree, the true horror of the evening was Abigail Breslin. Jesus, Abbie! I mean, that puffy atrocity belonged on a ten year old!

Tips & Warnings

• PS: Did Tobey Maquire really not make enough in the Spidey triumvirate to afford a nose job for his wife?