How to dress yourself when you have a big, fat ass

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My badonkadonk is ample--although quite pert and lively. However, if I don't consider its largeness with every stitch of clothing I don, there's potential for a disASSter--if you catch the subtlety of that made-up word. Also, please don't misunderstand. I, in addition to every man I've ever met (and many I haven't) believe I'm the callipygian ideal...

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Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Step1

Don't necessarily subscribe to the ALL BLACK catch-all answer. Yes, dark colors are inherently more slimming, but black from neck to ankle looks like your hiding. You never want to hide--but rather enhance.

Step2

A terribly pedestrian outfit which will draw viewers to your heinous fashion sense in ADDITION to your huge, fat butt is pairing a solid color on top with a black skirt or pant on the bottom. This is so thoughtless, so blah--it really is the clothing equivalent to having plastic runners over your carpet. The whole looks reeks of incompetence. Why does it make your butt appear larger, you ask? Here's why: people will be judging you harshly (if not unconsciously) on your wretched sartorial choices, and then will then be forced to ASSess the whole of you, WANTING to point out flaws. It's self-fulfilling. And it's ugly.

Step3

NEVER wear a pegged or tapered ANYTHING. This includes arms on shirts. Think of your arms like your legs--the more they taper toward the ankle (or wrist), or cankle (or wrankle), the more the upper portion of you looks hefty. Balance out this heft by wearing only boot-leg or wide-leg trousers, or shirts which don't asphyxiate your forearms.

Step4

A teeny, tiny ballet flat will give you the posterior of a rhinoceros. Choose your shoes carefully. I'm not suggesting you whip out your 90's chunky black platform boots, but a shoe with a bit of bulk helps to balance out any zaftig gal.

Tips & Warnings

Pour yourself into some Spanx, wear a wide-leg sailor pant, and top with a black shirt--black on top and white on bottom is a refreshing change. And because of this flip-flop change, people won't order their drinks from you NEARLY as much.