How to make eye-rollingly delicious home-made french fries

Of course there's always The Steak and Potato company, Wendy's or Friendly's, but it's wonderfully satisfying to know how to make a variant of the best starchy, salty side-dish known to man. Or woman. At least THIS woman.
If I wasn't starving myself right now (for my impending on-camera stint which I'll keep you abreast of) I would totally make a huge batch and consume them in 4 minutes. Eat some for me, would you?

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. 

   First, heat (the highest your stove will go) a tremendously frightening amount of oil in your biggest pot. Literally, the whole bottle of Wesson. Don't freak--deep frying isn't the heinous, artery-clogging affair everyone thinks it is. After you've fried your crispy fries, most of the oil will remain in the pot and you can pour it back into its original container (once cooled--duh) for the next round of these blue-ribbon frittes.

2. Wash about four large russet potatoes and slice them into thinnish, lengthwise slices. Then slice THOSE ovals lengthwise into french-fryish sticks. If you're awesome, you'll trust me when I tell you to leave the skins on. If you're not, you'll peel them and have an inferior fry--your choice.

3. Prepare a platter with plenty of paper towels for de-greasing and cooling after extracting.

4. Your perfect fry will be crisped in separate batches. Each batch shouldn't include any overlapping fries--the more you deposit into your oil-boiling pot, the more the temperature drops and you will be left with an oily, soggy fry--not the heavenly "crisp on the outside, mealy on the inside" french-fry of your wildest dreams.

5. Once you see your fries turn a golden color with a deep caramel-colored edge, it's time for them to cool on their paper-towel covered platter. It's best if you have a wide, slotted metal spoon of some kind when you extract them from the pot. Tongs will work in a pinch, too.

6. Salt your first layer with a thick, kosher salt and let sit--repeat this step with every remaining layer. In the meantime, DON'T put in a warm oven or they'll become soggy and not worth eating. Repeat this process until every spud is crisped, cooked and salted and then HAOWMP them into your open maw by the fistful.

Tips & Warnings

• Obviously a professional fry-o-lator is ideal, but I promise you, a normal pot on a stove top also yields a delicious result.
• When you first dump the fries in the bubbling oil, they will spurt and squeak--you should be prepared to stand back should hot oil threaten to spew onto your mink coat.

[ginavoce25]

on 6/26/2008 Please use beef tallow or home-rendered lard from a reputable source! Your fries will taste WAY better, and you'll spare your precious body from rancid, unfit for human consumption vegetable oils that DO clog your arteries!

[dixontwamley]

on 1/15/2008 THANKS FOR VERIFYING WHAT I HAD ALREADY STARTED DOING JUST MOMENTS AGO. GREAT AND SIMPLE RECIPE.

[dixontwamley]

on 1/15/2008 Very good. You just verified what I had initially started but was weary as to the temperature and layer of fries, amount of oil, etc. Thank you

[Ceile]

on 8/11/2007 Not only is this a great recipe, the dialogue is very entertaining! Thank you! I've printed this out, and will use this recipe with glee tomorrow!!

[forsythepjones]

on 3/7/2007 How do you HAOWMP something?