How to Pick the Wrong Pet

While it is incredibly challenging to pick the right pet for your family, it is remarkably easy to pick the wrong one. So take the path of least resistance on the way to leash resistance and follow these steps to pick the wrong pet.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Be impetuous! As soon as the idea strikes you, go out in search of the animal of your whim.
2. Do no research; picking a pet is about falling in love, not logical analysis of existing data.
3. Look for your pet at the nearest outlet, regardless of reputation.
4. When you’ve found a pet source, don’t be afraid to compromise, change your mind or decide on another species once you get there, based on availability.
5. Ignore practical considerations offered by store employees or bystanders who mutter, “Are you sure you want to do that?”
6. Get the cheapest accommodations money can buy for the new pet, or figure you have something at home that could probably work.
7. Leave with your new pet, and a sneaking suspicion you may have just made a big mistake in a manner of minutes.

Tips & Warnings

• Look for the pet that needs your loving care the most—the one in the corner cowering, the lame one limping along at the back of the kennel.
• When in doubt, get two; if there are dueling desires in the family, why not please everyone by buying two pets?
• Think of the pet you want now, not the pet it will be in ten years, when you go off to college.
• Never stop to consider if you want to pick the wrong pet; rational thought and logical consequences might intrude on your plans.
• Don’t go to a qualified breeder if you want to pick the wrong pet; as with gun dealers, they may require a cooling off period before taking your animal home, to ensure you are making the right decision and that you are right for the animal.
• Even with the most impetuous purchase, you may get lucky; if you have miraculously picked the right pet, don’t be afraid to try again with another species.
• Don’t take any of this advice; not only would you be foolish beyond reason, the animal would suffer even more than you in the bargain. A pet is for life and should be a welcome addition to the family, not an impulse purchase.