How to Get Up an Hour Earlier

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“If only” are two of the saddest words in the English language; “if only I had written my novel”, “if only I could find the time to play my violin”, “if only I’d remembered to feed the goldfish”, “if only there was time, we could have sex”. Many “if only” statements include the lamented “one hour earlier,” as if that morning hour is the lost oasis sought by grave robbers/archaeologists in an action film, found only after a thousand mile journey by balloon, fighting bad guys, encountering mummies and defying death. Yet that hour is yours for the taking, without scimitar or grave robber degree! Follow these steps to learn how to get up an hour earlier.

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Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

Slippers
Potato chips
Plug-in timer
Bathrobe
Coffee maker
Full-spectrum daylight lamps
Alarm clocks
Coffee
Dark chocolate
Anti-depressants

Step1

Set your alarm clock for 1 hour earlier than you usually rise.

Step2

Set your alarm clock out of your reach, and out of reach of any significant others or pets with opposable thumbs.

Step3

Set another alarm clock, for 4 minutes past the first one.

Step4

Set the alarm clock just outside your bedroom door.

Step5

If you sleep alone, set a full spectrum, daylight lamp beside your bed, plugged into a timer to turn it on just after the first alarm rings, simulating the rising of the sun.

Step6

Set the coffee maker to have aromatic coffee freshly brewed as you step in the kitchen door, or simply plug it in by the bed.

Step7

Reward yourself, as you would a good dog, by giving yourself a people treat—dark chocolate, potato chips, fruit in season, antidepressants, so you have an extra reason to rise.

Step8

In the darker seasons, install a full-spectrum daylight lamp in the place where you will spend your precious extra hour—your home office, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage/art studio—and switch it on as soon as you enter, so that your extra hour isn't spent dozing off.

Step9

Seize the day.

Tips & Warnings

Having myriad alarm clocks to make sure you rise is a fine idea while your body clock resets, though your family may be unappreciative, think you odd and mutiny.
Make sure your variety of alarm clock is cacophonous, not melodious—a klaxon call, not a meadowlark. It should set your teeth on edge.
Have a warm set of slippers and a cozy bathrobe to put on while you pad downstairs, insulating yourself against the reality of morning—this is especially important if you sleep stark-naked and don’t draw your curtains.
Don’t set a daylight lamp by your bed if your bed mate doesn’t want to rise when you do; many a relationship has ended due to opposing sleep cycles. Keep your new-found get-up-and-go to yourself.
Getting up an hour earlier doesn’t guarantee productivity or getting your novel completed, edited, agent-ed and sold to a publisher for a six figure advance. Sorry.

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Comments

yumboxx said

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on 11/3/2007 The "Things You'll Need" is more efficiently placed below the instructions. I'm not sure if the standards or formatting for How To articles have changed, but it makes more sense below the instructions. PLEASE FIX!