How to dissect the Grammys

First, a quick update--no hateful remarks about poorly placed blush. Yet. So, I think you guys know by now that J.Tims and I are a couple, so I (gently) tried to talk him out of just sitting down at the piano for his first number, but he's hard-headed and wouldn't listen. He was all "Audie. I love you. But people have HEARD Sexyback. They wanna hear the softer side of J.T. tonight." And I was all "J.J? (that's what I call him), you know I think you're, like, amazing. Really amazing. But I think people want to see you shaking your sh** with a bunch of other dancers and ripping off Michael Jackson in this MAD watchable way." He didn't agree, obviously. So we broke up. But now on to totally superfluous, snarky rants about how I hate everyone.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Even though I'm growing a bit weary of him, Jamie Foxx had excellent suit-piping.
2. Now, this will shock you: I'm actually happy for Carrie Underwood--and I'm even a little charmed by the crazy-boufantted, spackle-faced, puffy-sleeved country throwback she's rocking. Sure, she looked 43 if she was a day, but I felt like it worked.
3. While I'm thinking of it, let's get Nelly Furtado some new plug blocks because she's clearly having a difficult time sorting her cables and lights at home--a sad situation made clear to us by her socket-tinged Afro. You don't have to do it. I'm running to Target later.
4. Here's something interesting: Natalie Maines, although somewhat full-figured and therefore someone who would normally use blond hair as a crutch to look hotter, actually looked BETTER as a brunette. I was highly impressed, and am thinking about returning to my natural color myself--whereupon I will hate it within a week, have a breakdown akin to that hilarious fake YouTube bride freakout, and then ultimately go blonder than I was before.
   I need help.
   Know who else needs help?
5. John Mayer. Poor guy isn't gonna keep J. Simps interested in him while wearing that jump suit and unwashed hair. Take a leaf from Luda and buy a freaking suit. You're at the Grammys, John. Sheesh. Also, deal with those dark circles. I'd rather see you wearing man-makeup than those bags you constantly sport.
6. Ahhhhh. Know what trend I AM loving? The sort of moist but still matte lip. Mary J worked it, as did Natalie Maines. It made their lips look all plump and pouty but not like you'd get trapped after a kiss. Stay closely tuned for my next review about said lip-movement.
7. And another piece of sheer genius--Beyonce's makeup artist clearly painted her face for her closed-eyes, knowing that the House of Dereon queen does most of her (spine-tingling) belting with indeed, closed eyes. I'm researching who this masterful artist is, and I'll keep you posted. Uch. This glowy, gushing "positivity" is giving me a rash.
8. What does Fergie DO? And what was that embarrassing, Howard Dean-like shriek she barked into the microphone as Mary J. was tearfully sauntering up to accept her first ever (really?) Grammy? But MAN. Don't Phunk with My Heart is a really good song.
9. Now, I'm all for a metrosexual boy, but that cowl-neck sweater on Wyclef was a touch ridiculous. I mean not only was it flowing and cowly, it was camel-colored. Cowl AND camel? Yes for Ann Taylor. No for ex-Fugee.
10. Ooh. I just got off the horn with Christina Ricci. I simply had to call and tell her NEVER to have babies with Tyra Banks. Or Helen Hunt. Or Mena Suvari. I mean, I didn't mention the forehead thing specifically, but I feel like maybe she got the gentle, loving message.
11. You guys. What was with Mandy Moore? That's all.
12. Imogen Heap (ROBBED of Best New Artist Grammy) was wearing an entire shrub on her head. Loved it. She's totally our new Bjork!
13. As skinny as Christina Aguiskanka is, she's clearly NOT the size zero she keeps pouring herself into . Buy a size TWO pant, C. Ags. We'll STILL think you're skinny. Plus, we won't have to look at the outline of your reproductive organs anymore. Thanks in advance!
14. And that about wraps it up for me, pets.

Tips & Warnings

• Oh. And I'd like to thank that one, reliable, shining star of loveliness, grace and beauty last night. The one glamour queen we can always count on. And the Grammy award for best dress, makeup and hair........ His name is Prince.
• PS: I almost forgot! The poorly placed blush Grammy goes to...............Alyson Hannigan! I'll accept this award on her behalf--even though my blush is utterly perfect.