How to Become a Martial Arts Champion Overnight

Do you really want to spend years trying to earn a black belt when you can buy one at the Men’s Wearhouse for 20 bucks? Forget dedication and hard work--with a bit of creativity you can become the next Bruce Lee in the blink of an eye!

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Watch "The Karate Kid" repeatedly until you get all the moves down. Seriously, if Ralph Macchio can pull it off, anyone can.

2. In lieu of perfecting Tai Chi, learn to brew a nice hot cup of Chai Tea. Someone tries to thrash you, throw it in their face!

3. Kung Fu takes years of devotion to become proficient, so instead learn to arrange your furniture properly and create a nice flow of energy in your home. The next time someone tries to pick a fight with you, tell them confidently: “Back off pal, I’m a Feng Shui master!”

4. Why does it have to be overnight, Grasshopper? You’ll be ready when you can grab this small pebble from my hand before I close my fingers.

5. Tae-Bo takes waaaay too much exercise and stamina. So go with Thai BBQ instead, which can deliver an equally devastating impact to someone’s stomach.

6. Sign up for a "7-and-under" karate tournament, which you’ll surely dominate. If pressed on your age afterwards, fake mock confusion and claim that you thought it meant 7 feet.

7. See the movie "Enter the Dragon," starring Bruce Lee and John Saxon. Okay, you probably won’t learn anything from it, but darn that’s a good flick!

Tips & Warnings

• If all else fails, purchase the DVD set now available on the complete adventures of one of America’s finest Kung Fu heroes of all time. We’re speaking, of course, about the inimitable Hong Kong Phooey.

Who Can Help:

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