How to Be the Tom Cruise of the NBA

Rich, famous and married to a Hollywood starlet, Tom Cruise is one of the nation's biggest celebrities. Just imagine the possibilities of applying his many skills and attributes to life in the National Basketball Association!

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Start by trying out for and making an NBA team. I know it sounds like a "Mission Impossible," but if Adonal Foyle can do it, anyone can!
2. Shoot the ball every time you get your hands on it. When coach asks what the heck you’re doing, tell him you’re the team's "Top Gunner."
3. Since Katie Holmes isn’t available and probably wouldn’t date you anyway, the closest you’ll likely come is dating a homely girl named Kate.
4. Espouse a pseudo-religion based on liquids such as cranberry juice, coffee and beer that spur the exit of urine from the body: call it "Diuretics."
5. Talk coach into replacing those stiff metal folding chairs with a comfortable couch on the sidelines. Jump up and down on it in jubilation every time a teammate makes a highlight-reel play.
6. When your teammates are devastated after parting from the playoffs, insist that there’s no such thing as "post-parting depression."
7. Hone your trash-talking to an art form. Then you’ll be prepared for a "War of the Words" with anyone.

Tips & Warnings

• Play so well that you’ll only need four little words when your contract expires: “Show me the money!”