How to not look 80's

You know who you are. You found a hairstyle in 1986 that you loved and you stuck with it. And you're a loyal woman. You're not someone who gives up on something just because everyone else grows weary of it. You commit. And for that, I love you. You're a better woman than I. This one time, my boyfriend used his salad fork for his entree and I was OUTTA there. That's MY level of commitment. So I appreciate that, in the eighties, you were at your hottest. You were at your sexual peak, fighting off ogling men, and feeling all confident in your shoulder pads. Why wouldn't you want to hang on to that feeling with a vice-like grip? Now, I hear what you're saying: But Audie! Eighties style is fun! It's whimsical and colorful! And if you think about it, it's almost ironica....NO. No, it's not. Know what it is? UGLY. NOTHING about the eighties has anything to do with enhancing your beauty. The hair, the makeup, the clothes--their entire job is to cover up your naturally gorgeous self. And I won't have it. Mullets, perms, blue eyeliner--I'm coming after you, and there' nothing you can do to stop me:

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• trust
• gumption
• willpower

1. I know, sugar. Your hair is soooo easy to do every morning. You just throw some mousse in it and let it air-dry. But did you ever see Charlize Theron's Oscar-winning turn in Monster? Yea. She played a serial killer. And that's how she did HER hair. Change it.
2. Are you pulling down your lower lid and putting ANY shade of blue in it? Yes? Stop this. Now. It's ugly and closes your eye and makes you look foolish. If you're going to put anything there, make it a beige or white liner which you already know about from reading my article, How to get saucer-like eyes. Haven't read it? I'll wait.
3. Look in the mirror. Do you look like a triangle? I know. That's because you're wearing stirrup pants. Take them off, buy something boot-cut, and don't make me tell you again.
4. Over 40? Have long hair? Oh I know, pets. It makes you feel young! And fun! And fabulous!
   You look like a witch.
   Cut it.
5. Do your friends say things like "Oh. ______ never goes out of the house without her face on, tee hee!"
   What they mean is: "Oh, ______is so unbearably made-up that I feel embarrassed to be seen with her and am thinking of friend-dumping her ass!"
   Yes it IS what they mean.
   Stop being so defensive.

Tips & Warnings

• I'm harsh because I love.
• I realize that in step 3, the sequence could be interpreted as me advising you to go to the mall with no bottoms on. If you must, you can leave the stirrups on until AFTER you come back with new pants. Personally, I would prefer to go nude.