How to Alienate Your Teammates During Spring Training

Is there anything more disgustingly wholesome than the high-fiving, hustling ballplayer out to win over everyone on the team with his energetic chatter and non-stop compliments? Why not think outside out the box and come up instead with ways to distance yourself from all your teammates?

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Participate in all the fun drills, like batting practice, but when any running or conditioning begins just clutch your leg in fake anguish and blurt out: “Hammy trouble!”

2. Take up half the locker room with a large easy-chair and make sure to have a ‘rock-star’ style entourage and ESPN camera crew follow you everywhere. Oh, that’s been done already? Sorry.

3. The moment a teammate is even one minute late for curfew, create some mock ‘missing’ fliers with his face on them and loudly begin stapling them up outside the manager’s hotel room.

4. Make dire predictions to the media about your team and teammates, speaking positively only about yourself. Example: “I’m feeling an MVP season coming my way, but look for these slackers to drag us into the cellar anyway.”

5. Angrily charge the mound throwing wild-punches—after being accidentally grazed by your team’s 70-year-old pitching coach during batting practice.

6. Remember the old ‘Be Like Mike’ ads showcasing Michael Jordan? Try being like Barry or Terrell instead.

7. While in the dugout, drop that nasty habit of using chewing tobacco and take up a healthier pastime—like playing the electric bagpipes.

Tips & Warnings

• Keep in mind that your real friends on the team will forgive you. Although you probably won’t have any after these escapades.

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[expensivewino13]

on 6/14/2007 But, Barry's team mates love him......even the guy who originally complained about the lounge chair in the locker room.