How to do your face in 5 minutes flat.

Every magazine has a 5-minute how-to, but they're always suggesting things like "Sweep a neutral-colored shadow across the lid. That's right! Just ONE shadow color!" InStyle? Allure? Cosmo? Lucky? Please. First of all, only people who THINK they know how to do their makeup beautifully wear eyeshadow during the daylight hours, and secondly, really? When all I have is 5 minutes I'm gonna prioritize the LEAST important part of the makeup routine? I think not. Those glossy mags can have their overly made-up devotees of style. But you and I will emerge from our boudoirs looking understated, glowing and impossibly fresh.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. The moment you step out of the shower, slap on some moisturizer--you're still damp and your pores are just waiting to suck up some Creme de la Mer. Or even something less expensive. Whichever.
2. Get your oblong sponge and run tepid water over it until completely soaked. What? No oblong sponge? Get one. Laura Mercier or Trish McEvoy have great ones.
   So, we've doused and now we squeeeeeeeze every last drop of water out of the sponge until just damp. Blop on 4 drops of tinted moisturizer--one one both cheeks, forehead and chin. Blend until imperceptible by the human eye with your damp sponge. This will mean being vigilant about areas like ears and jaw. Vigilant!
3. Take your Benetint or your Tarte cheek stain in Flush.
   What? You don't have these either?
   Come on, people. Keep up. Dash to Sephora and get back to me.
   Back already? Good.
   So dab on some cheek stain on the apples of your cheeks while smiling. The "apples" are the "fat part" of your cheeks. And while your at it, smear some on your lips.
4. Dust Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil all over--this will set all your hard work without looking cakey and powdery.
   Uchhh.
   Back to Sephora.
5. Now, this step might seem like the most superfluous of all, but it's actually key. In fact, I employ this step when wearing zero makeup, and it is:
   Using either a toothbrush with a spritz of hairspray or Model in a Bottle's eyebrow goo (which is FAB--only online) brush up your brows. Not CRAZY up like baby-fat laden, creepily hot 12 year old Brooke Shields in those old Calvin Klein ads, but just gently guide upwards to point at your temples. This is shockingly good at making you look as though you've had any sleep in the last 3 days.
6. Ok, by now it's taken you longer than 5 minutes just to READ about how to only take 5 minutes to do something. I know. But I'm embellishing and being all funny, so just stay with me.
7. Wriggle a few coats of mascara on from base to tip of your upper lashes but leave the lower. With a thick, white shiny pencil (just make Sephora your permanent home already) dab the inner corners of your eyes. Swipe any ol' gloss or balm on your lips for a glint of shine and? Presto, chango--hello, gorgeous.

Tips & Warnings

• Bring the cheek stain (doubles as a lip, remember), balm and powder in your little makeup satchel for the day.
• Don't eat the cheek stain even though it smells delicious.