How to Watch the Academy Awards

On Sunday, February 25, Hollywood’s best and brightest (as well as its not-so-great and dimming) stars will be gathered at the Kodak Theatre in L.A. to watch Ellen DeGeneres preside over the 79th Annual Academy Awards (insert ubiquitous trademark thingie here). Unless you’re the type who dines at Spago every day, odds are you’ll be watching the festivities at home on TV, rather than attending in person. Here’s how to make it through the long, long evening intact.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. See as many nominated movies as possible. You’ll have a lot more fun watching the Oscars if you’ve actually seen “Little Miss Sunshine” or “The Last King of Scotland.” As an added bonus, if you actually watch these movies, you’ll be better informed than many of the industry types who do the voting.
2. Tune in early. To foil folks who assume that the important awards won’t be doled out until late in the evening, the Academy usually throws in a “Best Actor” or “Best Supporting Actress” early in the proceedings. Plus, if you watch from the start, you can rate Ellen DeGeneres’ opening monologue against the greats (and not-so-greats) of Academy Awards past, such as Jon Stewart and Chris Rock.
3. Don’t feel obliged to watch the song-and-dance numbers. Every year, the Academy promises to cut down on the musical extravaganzas (which are remembered, and parodied, long after the Best Picture winner has been forgotten), and every year it manages to wedge in something like “A Flag-Waving Patriotic Musical Salute to Iwo Jima!” As soon as the music cues, grab a newspaper and head for the bathroom.
4. Pay attention to the close-ups. No Academy Awards broadcast would be complete without those random, candid shots of famous actors in the audience, who have to muster up all their theatrical skills in order not to appear a) bored, b) envious or c) stoned out of their gourds. If you’re watching with company, be sure to shout out the name of the celebrity before anyone else does. Your friends will be impressed by your cinematic acumen.
5. Call it a night after the "Best Picture" award. Sure, you can stay glued to the TV for all the post-Oscar analysis and festivities, but look at it this way: Do you really care which after-hours party Penelope Cruz is attending, when you can be darned sure Penelope Cruz isn’t thinking about you? The beautiful people have had their night, and in any case, you have to get up early Monday morning to go to your unglamourous, non-celebrity-filled job.

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