How to Pick the Kentucky Derby Winner Every Time

They say that gambling is a fool’s paradise, but by using a little savvy you should easily be able to select the winning horse at the Kentucky Derby every year.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Names are crucial in backing the proper pony. Come on, who’s gonna win, a horse with the moniker ‘Greased Lighting’ or ‘Lazy Turtle’?
2. Make sure not to bet on any of the horses you drugged in the paddock with quaaludes.
3. Hire that ‘horse whisperer’ dude to interview the field of horses and get their take on things.
4. Bet on every single horse. Talk about beating the system!
5. Put your money on the fastest horse possible. Oh, you already were considering that? My bad.
6. Don’t bet on a moose! They may look pretty fast, but a moose has never won the Kentucky Derby.
7. Avoid betting on any horses with a troubled background. In other words, you need to back one that comes from a ‘stable’ environment.

Tips & Warnings

• If you do end up losing all your money at the Derby, you can take a little solace in the fact that some schmuck out there that you don’t even know probably got rich off of it.