How to Tell People You’re a Writer

Everyone’s got a novel, or the beginning of one, shoved into the back of a file cabinet drawer, so why should anyone believe you when you tell them you’re a writer? Everyone’s a writer, right? Wrong. But you’ll be faced with blank stares, frank disbelief and maybe mockery anyway, unless you go about it the right way. Follow these steps to learn how to tell people you’re a writer, and have them believe you.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Quit your day job; telling people you quit your steady job to be a full-time writer earns respect for your dedication to your craft, and silent horror that you are a foolish, overly optimistic, Peter Pan of a grownup prepared to throw it all away on a useless dream.
2. Dress the part when you say the words “I’m a writer”; wearing tweed jackets with patched elbows, nothing-but-black, or (for screenwriters) a T-shirt, jeans, baseball cap and athletic shoes, cues people in that you seriously want to be a writer. Whether people believe you are a writer depends upon their willing suspension of disbelief, and the size of the manuscript at the back of their drawer.
3. Start with specifics; beginning chitchat with “I just won the Nicholl Fellowship for my heartwarming dramatic screenplay, and it’s been optioned by Dreamworks” will establish your writer credibility much faster than “I’m thinking about writing a short story.”
4. Tell them the hard stuff; mentioning that you’ve sent out 106 queries for your novel, and received 107 rejection letters (one editor hated it so much he sent two rejection letters), will make people believe you are a writer, but a failed one.
5. Ply your craft; if you encounter open derision or disbelief in your writer status, make use of your creative skills and predict your tormentor’s future--for example: his imminent divorce, the sexually transmitted disease that is festering in his system, the cataracts he will develop from his outdoor hobbies, and the grown children who will camp out in his basement while they undergo therapy for having him for a father.
6. Work hard, be lucky, and flaunt your success; there’s nothing wrong with being a writer with a bank balance in the black. Following up the words “I’m a writer” with the size of your advance, the hourly rate for your corporate writing or the details of the Artist Fellowship you received is not unethical or immoral, merely human.

Tips & Warnings

• Everyone loves an underdog; describing your dogged devotion to keeping on the writing path will earn you respect, and elicit phone numbers from attractive people.
• Lie about your success; if success hasn’t found you yet, and you don’t feel like facing frank disbelief about being a writer, devise some kudos to ease social interactions. If you’re found out, reply that you’re a fiction writer--you get to “make stuff up.”
• Don’t tell people you are planning on quitting your day job, unless you want to hear inspired arguments for your continued employment, and gloomy predictions about your chances at solvency as a writer.
• Avoid overkill in the fashion department; dressing like a stereotypical writer (rumpled fogey, dowdy librarian/academic type, slick uptown minimalist, eccentric genius) can feel like a costume to you and to your listener. Keep your writer gear subtle.
• Explaining your plot, in detail, is never a good idea. Not only will it kill the creative flow (your brain will decide it has already told the story), but it will kill conversation as your listeners begin to remember missed appointments, urgent bathroom breaks and the need to drink. Even if you’ve been asked to “tell us all about your novel” keep it brief, and then respond if there are questions.
• Only attack your critics with style if you have a talent for black humor; going for the jugular without going for laughs is an unforgivable faux pas.

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