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Step 1
Marry one of the Spice Girls-there's a chance that 'Scary' Spice is available, if you don't frighten too easily. Failing that, you could at least put on some Old Spice.
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Step 2
Try to have more goals in life.
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Step 3
Go to Disneyland and enjoy the Mad Tea Party ride-where you sit inside giant teacups that spin around wildly-three times. Then you too will have been in three 'whirled cups'.
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Step 4
Becoming Captain of the English soccer team is probably not going to happen, so the closest you'll come to that is likely just eating some Captain Crunch while watching BBC.
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Step 5
Since you'll never be able to 'bend it like Beckham' with a soccer ball, come up with your own alliterative catch-phrase that works for you. 'Guzzle like Gary', 'Cut class like Christopher' or 'Shoplift like Sharon' are but three possible examples.
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Step 6
It's a long shot that the Los Angeles Galaxy of the MLS is going to pay you $250 million to play soccer for them. But you could possibly purchase an old Ford Galaxie for $250 and drive to Los Angeles.
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Step 7
Offer to be the placekicker or punter for an Arena Football League team in exchange for only a pair of socks. Beckham gets his kicks playing soccer, and you'll be approaching that by getting your socks playing kicker.
