How to get waxed like a pro

One of my favorite pastimes is allowing small, foreign women to pour burning hot wax on my privates. It’s super fun. You should try it. Actually it hurts like hell, is quite embarrassing having your junk spread open in front of a complete stranger, and the idea of hemorrhaging until you die will keep you awake for days before the appointment. But fear not! I have a few handy tricks to make this necessary evil a far less phobia-inducing nightmare:

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• friends, advice, an appointment

1. Firstly, ask your gal-pals who they know and love. When they make suggestions, have them tell you WHY. Some people love a really thorough job, others prefer quick, painless hands. It depends on what’s important to you.
2. The night before your big wax-off, swirl your, um, nether region with a dry loofah—this will exfoliate without irritation. It will also unearth any ingrown hairs. Get a natural one from Whole foods, not one of those ghastly purple, plastic thingies.
3. I’ve had the best luck when the lovely ladies who have devoted their lives to removing the hair on other lovely ladies’ vaginas, squirt an initial layer of powder down before the wax. This allows every hair to adhere better to each strip. And speaking of strips—you should decide whether you want hard wax, which doesn’t require any strip, or the oft-used soft wax which requires cloth strips. I find the cloth makes for a smoother; cleaner result. However, hard wax can be a little less painful.
4. And lastly, and not to be indelicate, you have about a week’s window per month for your big day. A week before and a week after your monthlies renders the pain factor far too heinous to bear. Obviously, the week during is also unacceptable. I realize this sounds difficult to time, and it is. But you'll thank me later.

Tips & Warnings

• Tip: A “Brazilian” wax will include some hairstyle—whether it be a landing strip or a teensy triangle—and a “Hollywood” or “Playboy” will be utterly, shockingly bare. Undercarriage and all. Try it at least once. It feels grand.