How to Be Someone's Mortal Enemy

Like duels and opera hats, the concept of "mortal enemies" has fallen by the wayside in modern times, and more's the pity. The fact is, everyone can use a good mortal enemy: there's nothing like the possibility of being waylaid, fisticuffed, and tied to a railroad trestle to make a guy just glad to be alive. With that in mind, here's how to be a worthy mortal enemy to someone you lo... er, hate.

Difficulty:

Easy

Instructions

1. Grow a moustache. If you're going to be someone's mortal enemy, you have to look the part-and there's nothing like a thick, black handlebar moustache (or perhaps a goatee like the kind the evil Mr. Spock sported in that "Star Trek" episode) to inspire fear and loathing. Of course, you'll need a flowing black cloak, too, not to mention a villainous black hat. Try visiting your local Nordstrom outlet.

2. Have a secret lair. Here's the one thing mortal enemies and superheroes have in common: a secluded HQ where they can gather their heroic (or, in this case, sinister) thoughts. As a rule, an abandoned railroad shack on the outskirts of town makes a better secret lair than the guest bedroom of your mom's house, but you'll have to make do with what you can.

3. Formulate plans. Remember those "Road Runner" cartoons in which Wile E. Coyote drew up detailed blueprints of his nefarious schemes? That's what you'll have to do, so see if your local community college offers a course in mechanical drafting. Post your results on your wall, so you can clearly see the spots labeled "anvil drops here" and "insert poisoned liquor bottle in hall closet."

4. Alert your nemesis. It's no fun being someone's mortal enemy if he's not aware of the fact. Consider hand-delivering an elegant letter on expensive parchment, informing your bête noire that the game is afoot, may the best man win, all's well that ends well, etc. (Although it's more convenient, an email to this effect will probably be blocked by your antagonist's spam filter.)

5. Do your worst. Remember, not even the best-hatched evil plans work 100 percent of the time, and in the larger scheme of things, that's for the best-if you somehow manage to squash your nemesis on the very first day of your evil bender, there'll be nothing left to do all week but download porn and play Windows Solitaire. Keep trying, and remember: some unlucky folks don't have even one mortal enemy to spice up their dull existence!