How to Undermine Your Co-parent’s Authority

Tired of being “a team” when it comes to making parenting decisions; tired of the discussions, the careful consideration of others, the seeing it from another person’s point of view? Feeling rebellious, indignant and spiteful against this life partner you’re saddled with to co-parent your children forever and ever amen? You can have the upper hand by cunning, stealth and unethical behavior, pulling the rug out from under your partner's parental feet. Follow these steps to undermine your co-parent’s authority:

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Side with the children in any conflict—but not openly; when the decision is made, and the kids are mad, let them know in an aside that you wanted things to go their way.
2. Mockingly refer to your spouse/co-parent in your children’s hearing; nothing insulting, just a knowing chuckle at his or her incompetence.
3. Blame your co-parent for anything your kids don’t like; “It was her decision, in the end” gives the kids someone to target for disdain and disappointment.
4. Leave your co-parent’s contact information off of any forms relating to the children, making you the sole representative of the household and the vehicle for communication.
   
5. When talking with others about parenting issues in your home, use “I” instead of “we” to indicate that you are the one invested in parenting, and doing all the work.
6. Be the fun one, when your co-parent isn’t around; bring home ice cream, invite their friends over, suggest elaborate outings and follow through. During times when the whole family is together, shift the focus onto chores, responsibilities and healthy eating habits.
7. Bring up requests by the kids you know your co-parent will object to, right before big events. Mention Billy’s desire for a Great Dane puppy, Sally’s request for a second piercing and Tommy’s mention of a sex-change just before Grandma’s birthday dinner, making the resulting resounding “No!” to all of the above all that more memorable to the kids.

Tips & Warnings

• Siding with the kids can be as little as a wink and a nod behind your co-parent’s back or as obvious as an ice cream bitch session with them when your other half has gone to work.
• Be sure to sound kind, affectionate and condescending when discussing your co-parent’s deficits so that the kids don’t catch on to your underhanded campaign.
• Fully support your co-parent if he or she asks for back-up on an issue, even if you’ve already told the kids that you disagree. They know how hard it is to fight for what you want, they’ll consider you another underdog, like them, and therefore cool.
• Give your co-parent important scheduling information just a little too late; report the time of teacher conferences, team dinners, school open houses and volunteering opportunities shortly before the date, so your co-parent has no chance to reschedule, take time off work, or show up on time.
• Protest if anyone openly asks whether your co-parent is really invested in the kids—“Of course he wants the best for them, but, you know, it’s hard for him to find the time…” Let your voice trail off, as if in loyalty you can’t say more.
• Revisiting sore spots can keep a spark of rebellion alive in your kids; offer solace for a rejected request, offer alternatives, offer knowing commiseration.
• Never side with the kids openly, as this will lead to a confrontation, and your secret campaign may come out of the closet, leaving you looking like the bad guy.
• Never undermine your co-parent’s authority if you intend to stay partnered with your co-parent, or even maintain a civil relationship; damaging the parent/child bond intentionally is tantamount to a declaration of war, and will be met by an equal show of strength.
• Never undermine your co-parent’s authority if you actually give a hoot about your kids; playing power games over the parental role will mess them up mentally, set a bad example, and leave them unable to tell honesty from a fabrication for ignoble purposes.
• Don’t take any of the above advice; it is for entertainment purposes only and a really bad idea.