How to Set a Bad Example For Your Kids

Parenting is just one psychological pitfall after another, with best-sellers written about every one. First the advice is don’t pick up babies when they cry, then never put your baby down. First stay-at-home motherhood is best, then daycare prepares kids for school. First you’re 100% responsible for how your kid turns out, then parenting practices don’t matter--it's all about peers. It’s enough to make any parent give up and hide in the basement for a decade (or until the kids are out of the house). But don’t give up, anticipate the next craze; if teaching by example is conventional wisdom, surely doing the opposite will soon apply? Why set a good example when you could have fun setting a bad one, sure that your kids will reject everything about you and turn out as fine, upstanding citizens? Follow these steps to set a bad example for your kids.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Cigarettes
• Alcohol
• Fried foods
• Computer
• Foolish disregard for the patently obvious
• High speed internet

1. Lie. Lie about little things (“I heard it might snow tomorrow”—in June), lie about big things (“I have incurable cancer”), lie about things in between (“I’m going to start my exercise program today!”).
2. Smoke. The Surgeon General says smoking is hazardous to your health, but you might like it anyway. Remember, your compromised immune system will help your kids become non-smokers.
3. Drink. A glass of red wine is considered a health benefit; maybe five will turn out to be even better when another round of research is published. Drinking regularly will set you free from your seemingly-wise-at-the-time self-imposed sobriety since having kids. Party on, knowing your kids will probably do the opposite.
4. Steal. Start small—download music and videos without paying, copy movies from the video store, raid your kids’ pockets for change, return other household member’s Christmas presents for cash. See where this slippery slope leads you.
5. Cheat. Why pay full price when a sale sticker can be moved? Why follow the rules when you’re playing with people who don’t know better? Why be lonely when your spouse is out of town?
6. Take your health for granted. Eating 5 to 8 servings of fruit and vegetables a day to set an example has already cost you thousands in grocery bills. Give up the organic produce, forget hormone-free milk and bring on the fried foods. Getting up from the computer/recliner/bed for a snack, occasionally, should keep your heart going for the moment. Preventative medicine? Why go to the doctor if you aren’t sick?
7. Stop writing thank you cards, sending friendly e-mails and chatting with the neighbors. Social isolation is a growing problem in industrial nations—why set your child up for failure by connecting with others?

Tips & Warnings

• Getting caught lying may take awhile if your track record is for honesty. Let your lies sink in, and expectations will soon drop.
• Smoking takes time to learn, but is easy to keep up. Stock up on cigarettes so you’ll never be caught patting your pockets in panic.
• Drinking can seem innocent enough, done in moderation. Drink immoderately to set a bad example. Drink enough to make bad choices, disrupt family gatherings and be found sprawled on the living room floor, dead to the world.
• Giving up good health may mean you never get to see your children thrive to oppose you—moderate your unhealthy habits with healthy ones you hide from the kids: carrots in the glove box, walkathons at work, sipping eight glasses of water a day in a Vodka tumbler.
• Increase your opportunities for social isolation by installing high-speed Internet access to your home computer. This will maximize your opportunities to set a bad example via online gambling, sexy chat rooms, e-shopping and cruising the World Wide Web in a manic thirst for useless information.
• Stealing takes skill, and prison is no picnic, so don’t take your bad example setting to extremes. Aim for small-time thievery, nothing that will get you time behind bars.
• Never cheat the IRS, as they don’t have a sense of humor and don’t care about reverse-psychology or parenting theories. Save the cheating for less monolithic organizations.
• Until the best seller is written, re-researched, verified scientifically, and proven anecdotally true, don’t try this reverse-psychology parenting tactic at home. Teaching by example isn’t sure fire (what is when it comes to children?) but it has long-term benefits to both you and your children; even if they ignore all your good intentions, healthy habits and high moral fiber, you get to become a better person along the way.