How to Have Self-esteem When Everyone You Know Has a Real Job and You Don’t

The measure of a man, or woman, isn’t taken by the paycheck arriving regularly in the bank by automatic deposit. It is measured by the good deeds done and the honorable choices made day by day. Yeah, right. When all your friends have a real job, and you have yet to find a career that makes you smile and others nod, or even earns a steady income, you know better. It is easy to crumple up when you are surrounded by a coterie of doctors, lawyers, environmental scientists, computer engineers and educators. But don’t hide from your established friends—remember, even doctors have areas of insecurity. Follow these steps to have self-esteem when everyone you know has a real job, and you don’t.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Books
• Movie tickets
• Gym membership
• Arm candy
• Television
• New clothes
• Time for volunteering

1. Get really fit. The measure of a man or woman is taken by the size of his or her paycheck, or by Body Mass Index.
2. Get hip. Read the cool books, watch the cool shows, catch the cool movies and keep up on pop culture. You’ll be able to talk intelligently at gatherings, even if you don’t have work stories to share that anyone wants to hear.
3. Volunteer where your friends would fear to tread. While a great career has serious cultural cred, working for nothing to help others makes you a God. Walk drug-affected babies at the hospital, rescue abandoned animals, offer comfort to patients going through chemotherapy, travel to foreign countries and build water systems for the poor. Your career-minded friends will be in awe.
4. Date someone really good looking. Most people are looks-ist, even if they don’t admit it. During all that volunteering, you may well fall in love, develop a passion for philanthropic works and stop caring about comparing yourself with others; or not. But with all those good works under your belt, you can probably attract a cutie as arm candy, even if he or she has other, less attractive qualities that only you will be privy to (that tendency to gurgle when she laughs, his obsession with nose hairs, that annoying habit of raiding your refrigerator, eating you out of house and home and leaving).
5. If Steps 1 through 4 haven’t raised your self-esteem to a healthy level (or you’ve forgotten about the whole self-esteem issue), and you continue to measure yourself by your peers, get a real job.

Tips & Warnings

• Volunteering with children and animals earns points with women. Trot out photos of kids and dogs whenever you can. Speak earnestly. Let tears trickle down your cheek when describing the disturbing conditions the kids/animals are/were living in.
• If you’re fashion-impaired, find a personal shopper to help suit you up. This can be a hired professional, a friend, a potential loved-one or a past loved-one—so long as they have reliably great taste.
• Getting fit may not be enough; many lawyers, doctors and environmental scientists (though not computer engineers) seem to find time for rowing, lacrosse, marathon running and triathlons. Specialize your fitness regimen to emphasize your strong suit—nice butt, great legs, potential abs. This is all about looking fantastic, not being fantastic.
• Obscure literary references impress in the movies, but baffle in real life. Be sure your cultural references are recognizable before going on at length about the latest memoir/movie/CD or Podcast.
• Good looking people are as insecure as the rest of us, maybe more. Avoiding psychos can be difficult (they look innocent enough to start with), but good looking people needing an ego boost abound. Gyms, coffee shops and beauty schools are full of them, waiting to rub their egos on a willing worshipper.
• Dating the beautiful can be hazardous to you health. Why is that lovely lady still single? Why is that handsome stud available, when anyone would die to be with him? Good questions. Narcissism is a hazard for the really, really good looking, leading to warped personalities, diva-like behavior and screaming in public. Keep your eyes open for voodoo dolls, squares of newspaper pasted to walls or secrets locked away in the back bedroom.
• Needing the admiration of others to boost your self-esteem can be a bad thing; be wary of lying, stealing, living a double life or any other questionable behavior that develops while trying to become a better-seeming man or woman, instead of a healthy human being.