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Step 1
Admit that you’re lost. The first step in getting help is recognizing that you have a problem. If you've passed that gnarled, spooky oak tree three or four times, the odds are you've been going in circles for the past hour—and if your girlfriend insists, "We should have reached that exit 45 minutes ago," you're probably not only on the wrong road, but in the wrong state.
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Step 2
Ask someone knowledgeable. As a general rule, anyone who has to think more than 2 or 3 seconds after you ask, "Hey, do you know where Mahopac Road is?" has either wandered away from his day home's field trip or is trying to be "helpful" in a way that'll get you even more lost than before. Try not to ask directions from kids younger than 10, elderly ladies dressed in 19th-century bustles or stray dogs.
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Step 3
Be respectful. Popping your head out of your Jaguar’s window and yelling, "Hey, old-timer! Can you tell me what road I can take out of this two-bit town?" is a one-way ticket to plunging your car over an abandoned bridge. Of course, any healthy male you buttonhole will instantly disdain you for not having a sense of direction, but that's the price you pay for not bringing a map.
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Step 4
Write the instructions down. "Hang a right at the next light and head down to Old Sutter's Mill" may be the entirety of the directions you receive, but they may just as well continue "then take a left, another left, a right, go 'round the traffic circle, pass that abandoned 7-11, close your windows (don't ask why, just trust me) for two or three miles, then make a sharp left when you see a sign that says …"
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Step 5
Know better. Just because you've stopped and asked for directions doesn't mean your male ego has been beaten into unconsciousness. If you suspect the person you've asked doesn't know what he's talking about, feel free to ignore his instructions and take that "shortcut" you've been arguing with your wife about. You may not get where you're going for another 17 hours, but hey, it'll make a great story to share with your grandkids!
