How to Answer the Question "What are you Thinking"

"What are you thinking?" It's the one question (other than "Does this dress make my hips look big?") that makes otherwise stoic men weep with despair. It can be asked anywhere, in any circumstances: in bed, on the bus, in-between the appetizer and the main course or in the hospital while you're recovering from a concussion. How can you possibly answer this ubiquitous query in a way that will satisfy your spouse/girlfriend/significant other? Here are some suggestions.

Instructions

1. Pretend you haven't heard her right. "What am I drinking? Oh, just the usual, three fingers of gin mixed with Diet Sunkist and a dash of pepper. Would you like to have one, too?" Other ideas: "Why am I sinking?" (this one only works in a bathtub or on a boat), "What am I linking?" (if you're at the computer coding HTML) or "Why am I stinking?" (if you've just gotten back from draining the cesspool).

2. Get philosophical. "That raises an interesting issue. By 'thinking,' are you referring to the instantiation of chemical patterns in my brain at the very moment you asked that question? If so, how can I possibly comment on a mental state that has already transpired, and has since been replaced by the physical instantiation provoked by your question in the first place? Honey? Honey? Hey, where'd you go?"

3. Play "Meet the Press." "What am I thinking? Well, if you must know, I was wondering how the pan-Islamic pressures of the Middle East 'street' will impact the democratization process in Iraq, and how this will impinge on our future negotiations with so-called rogue states such as North Korea and Iran. Do you have any views on this, honey? Honey? Okay, maybe later."

4. Be a girly-man. "Oh, gosh, where can I start! I was just thinking about how vulnerable I've been feeling lately, and that thing my boss said to me the other day, and did I mention that little kid who looked at me all funny as I was on my way to work this morning? Don't I have feelings, too? Don't I want to run and jump and skip with the butterflies rather than waste my life in a boring office job? Hey, why are you holding that pillow over your head?"

5. Tell the truth. "Well, if you must know, I was thinking about what I said the other day when you tried on that dress. A relationship is based on honesty, right? Well, as a matter of fact, it did make your hips look big. Actually, I should be more accurate. Your hips are pretty big; that dress just made them look worse. Now don't get all pouty, you're the one who asked. Hey, where'd you get that gun?"