How to Come Out With a Bang

Coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual can seem like a leap into an unknown abyss of social disapproval—a leap of faith in those who surround you, sure of their open arms; or a karate kick in the face of convention and an opportunity to flaunt your orientation as a means of social rebellion or revenge. Whatever your expectations, coming out can be gradual—person by person—or done in one fell swoop among your friends and family. Coming out en masse gets it over with promptly, so life can go on sans closet. Consider these steps to come out with a bang!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Wardrobe update
• Haircut
• Love object
• Ghostwriter
• Facial
• Coming-out venue

1. Ask yourself: Are you ready? Coming out with a bang demands confidence, a firm sense of identity and a thick skin in case of intrusive questions or out-of-left-field attacks.
2. Ask yourself: Are you motivated? Coming out en masse demands effort on your part, and shouldn’t be considered a half-day project.
3. Ask yourself: How big a bang do you want? Will your close circle do? Your senior class? Your extended family? Your town? Your state? The entire nation? The World Wide Web?
4. Be sure you’re looking your best. Book a haircut, a facial and a spree with a personal shopper before baring your soul. No need to conform to stereotypes unless desired—though this may prevent questions like “Are you sure you’re gay, honey?”
5. Prepare a pre-rehearsed statement announcing your exit from the closet. Get the wording right by choosing the tone; popular choices include celebratory, apologetic, defensive, offensive, hopeful and sarcastic.
6. Choose a venue: the Alano Club, the family reunion, your sister’s wedding, the office holiday party, the podium on graduation day, a rented ballroom with a party following, you and your partner’s baby shower, in your Christmas cards or on the second page of the local paper (or the "New York Times") with a paid advertisement, just like celebrities do when they deny the existence of a closet in their lives.
7. Bang! Carry out your plan, letting any consequences, good or bad, land where they may.

Tips & Warnings

• Coming out with a bang can be a great opportunity to let your loved ones shine—giving them the benefit of the doubt (and maybe a heads-up prior to any public announcement) helps show them you care about them, and want them to care about you.
• Come out with a smile and the world smiles with you; come out with a grimace and grimaces will surely follow, usually. Setting a positive tone increases the chance of a happy coming out.
• Coming out with a loved one on your arm simplifies the process. Falling in love is a human condition—illogical and serendipitous, adding to the odds that your circle will embrace your new life, and new love.
• Hiring a ghostwriter for your coming-out speech is a good option for those uneasy with words; he or she can cover the who, what, where, why, how and when of your exit from the closet with flair.
• Your coming-out party may go great, but your new love still be rejected. Surprising numbers of mothers become matchmakers for gay sons and daughters, sure that their choices are still better than their kids’ choices, even when it comes to same-sex relationships.
• Coming out with a bang can end with a boom; unexpected consequences are a bummer. If your father storms out of the ballroom, your sister cries at her own wedding (not a good venue for a coming-out party), or your best friend suddenly looks at you like you’re dog doo on his shoe, this too may pass, but is still painful in the moment. Seek sympathetic therapeutic support if you need it.
• Conforming to stereotypes is tempting to increase identity, but only works if it feels right. Cutting your hair drastically (to make a statement), can leave you mourning your locks for years, and make morning grooming a nightmare.
• Always look on the bright side if you are coming out and introducing a partner/spouse/love interest at the same time. Apologetic, defensive or sarcastic expressions about your seemingly new orientation will turn your loved one from hot tamale to cold fish in a microsecond.
• Never come out with a bang in retribution for an unhappy childhood, failing marriage, or friendship dispute. Choose the high ground, come out with a clean conscience, and think of other, sneakier ways to make them pay.
• No one may care. Coming out, wherever you are, is done on a daily basis these days. Everyone you know may already know about your little secret; they’ve been waiting for you to wake up and smell the cappuccino.