How to Show Off Your Table Manners

Have you ever wondered what it is that distinguishes the average single guy from a knuckle-walking, slack-jawed, tick-ridden ape? It’s his table manners, of course. With that in mind, here’s how to show your girlfriend—or that cute gal you met at the bail bondsman’s—that you know the ins and outs of ordering a meal in a fancy restaurant.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Let your date sit down first. Executing a somersault over the maitre d’ so you can grab the chair closest to that table of cute girls will only embarrass you, your date and everyone else in the restaurant. It’s always good form to let your significant other sit down first—and if you pull the chair out for her in gentlemanly fashion, don't yank it away as she’s sitting down.
2. Use your napkin. It’s a common mistake to believe that a napkin should only be unfolded and placed on one’s nap after the food has actually been served. For whatever reason, you’re expected to engage in this ritual as soon as you sit down, and the more fussily, the better. (Bonus points for refolding your girlfriend’s napkin into an origami swan as she powders up in the ladies’ room).
3. Know your silverware. A standard place setting includes the following items, arranged from left to right: appetizer fork, dinner fork, salad fork, deputy salad fork, plate, soup ladle, salad tongs, olive stiletto and meat cleaver. Memorize this layout carefully, in case you accidentally drop anything on the floor (while you’re gawking at the table of cute girls, perhaps) and need to place it back on the table.
4. Show your appreciation. A fancy restaurant is a lot like the Catholic Church: you can get away with pretty much anything if you apologize for it afterward. A good, hearty post-meal belch, followed by an elegant “excuse me,” will let the cook know that he’s done a good job. (If you break wind, however, simply wink at the maitre d’ and motion silently to your girlfriend.)
5. Pay for your meal. No matter how much your girlfriend admires your grifting skills, she’ll only be hurt and embarrassed if you try to pull the ol’ “fire drill” in order to get out of paying the check. But if you’ve maxed out your credit card or don’t have enough cash on hand, it’s perfectly acceptable to “accidentally” bump into another customer and lift his wallet.