How to Bet on the Super Bowl

Have you ever wondered why millions of people watch the Super Bowl every year? It’s not because they find the game particularly exciting; it’s because so many of them have staked their 401(K)s (or their children’s college funds) on the outcome. If you’re the straight-shooting type who’s never met a bookie in your lfe, here’s a quick guide to betting over your head, and not with it.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Know the point spread. Concocted in an airless room in Las Vegas by a bunch of grubby middle-aged guys in leisure suits, a game’s “point spread” (say, Indianapolis by 9 over Denver) is carefully calculated so that an equal amount of money winds up being bet on both sides. One of the joys of betting on the Super Bowl is that the spread is liable to move right up until kickoff, especially if a Chicago wise guy bets a few million dollars on one team.
2. Set up some side bets. A true gambler doesn’t just bet on the point spread; that sort of action is for little old ladies from Cucamonga. Besides putting a pile of dough on the spread, you should also bet a substantial amount on the over/under (that is, the total amount of points you think will be scored in the game), and smaller stakes on such fripperies as which team will score first, and whether it’ll be a touchdown or field goal. What are the odds you’ll be wrong about everything?
3. Figure out how much you can spare. A Super Bowl requires a Super Bet. Unless you want guys named Fat Vinnie to quit taking your phone calls, use the same metric as you would to buy an engagement ring: two months’ salary sounds about right (maybe three, if Vinnie is in a bad mood). If you can’t roust up the cash from your savings account, drain your credit card and liquidate your IRA.
4. Ask your friend for his bookie’s number. The one acquaintance of yours who has a bookie is probably the one who keeps asking to borrow money. Assuming you can get him on the phone (he owes you money, after all), ask your pal to hook you up with his bookie, who’s probably number two or three on his speed dial. The bookie will kindly and patiently explain all the various rules and regulations not covered here, and jot down information about where to find you after the game.
5. Say goodbye to your kneecaps. Wow, it’s rare to blow the spread, over/under and first score in one game. Well, no use crying over spilled beer: it’s time to pack up your belongings, leave a note for your girlfriend and relocate to another country. What do you mean, you don't have enough money for an overseas fare? In that case, you have no choice but to wait 'til March and recoup your losses on the NCAA Championship Game.