How to Come Out to a Stranger

Coming out is easily said and done, but must be repeated often. While you may be out and proud to all you know, there will still be those inevitable times you’ve got to out yourself to a clueless new person, who naively assumes you’re heterosexual. Consider these steps when you come out to a stranger.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Gay or lesbian slogan buttons
• Gay-friendly bumper stickers

1. Consider your stranger. Is this person clueless, sheltered, conservative, naive or just someone who assumes everyone is straight unless he or she says otherwise?
2. Choose your tone. You may want to sound informative, defensive, aggressive, tentative, bold or subtle, depending on the stranger and how many people have already ticked you off that day.
3. Why does he or she need to know? If the technician continuously asks if you could be pregnant every time you come in for an X-ray, it’s time to tell her you can’t have an “oops” when you’re a lesbian. You decide when outing yourself is appropriate.
4. Slip the information into conversation. Correct the person’s pronoun when he or she asks about your spouse —“Yes, she will be coming to pick me up,” “My partner is doing great, thanks. He will appreciate you asking.” Simply stating your orientation also works well.
5. Dawn breaking? If not, it’s OK to elaborate. Take this opportunity to restate your dedication to your sex: “I love women,” “I prefer men,” “I like girls” or “I enjoy the love that dare not speak its name.”

Tips & Warnings

• Flash your badge. Keeping a political button or bumper sticker handy can save a lot of useless confusion in the grocery line when the man or woman in front of you wants to engage in flirty badinage.
• Conforming to popular stereotypes of gay men and lesbians can prevent unwanted heterosexual assumptions. Nevertheless, you will occasionally have to confirm the obvious, no matter how flaming, butch or fastidiously dressed you appear.
• Public displays of affection are also a popular form of coming out to strangers. Beware of cultural differences masking your orientation, though. Same-sex friends in other nations are more expressive than in America where anything more than a man-hug is considered suspect and women embracing is seen as titillating entertainment for men.
• Coming out is usually anticlimactic. The world keeps spinning, mouths don’t drop and conversation doesn’t end most of the time. Your positive take on your orientation leads the way to an embracing response.
• Never use sexually explicit terms to come out to a stranger unless you love courting danger and disgust. Your stranger may or may not be homophobic, but he or she is likely to find erotic details overwhelming and may consider them harassment. After all, do you really want to hear about his love life?
• “Discretion is the better part of valor” was a motto for our parents’ generation, but not entirely inappropriate when it comes to coming out. Silence may be consent, but it can also mean survival if you suddenly find yourself in the middle of KKK territory making small talk with the elders of the Klan.