How to Name a Goldfish

Your new goldfish deserves a noble moniker to honor him his whole life, even if that life only lasts until next week. Goldie’s been done, Fish is too obvious and Sushi is ironic but cruel. Consider the following to determine a name for a goldfish.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A goldfish

1. Observe the goldfish you have chosen. Does a name scream out to you? Does your fish have obvious traits, such as a growth on his forehead or a spot on his tail that looks just like the one on your mother-in-law’s chin?
2. What do you want your fish’s name to say about you? When a friend asks, do you want the name to indicate your humor, vocabulary, coldheartedness, knowledge of Eastern religions or taste for shocking slang?
3. Ask yourself, “Will I be comfortable saying this name in 10 years if the goldfish defies the odds and survives that long?” Even if you’d like to change your goldfish’s name, your kids, relatives and friends will never let you forget his original appellation.
4. Try names on your tongue. Does Aloysius sound satisfying? Does Carpo feel right? Is Magdalena just too long?
5. Consider your household. If you have children, they will want to name the fish. Make suggestions to vary the options or you may be feeding “Goldie," “Fishy” or “Swimmy” for the next few years.
6. If no perfect name emerges from your musings, let your fish remain nameless until inspiration strikes. Your fish will swim on in blissful ignorance of his John Doe status and you can hold out for the name that seems right.

Tips & Warnings

• The obvious can sometimes be best. Having the fifteenth fish in your neighborhood named Goldie will make the 4-year-old naming the fish feel great.
• Giving your fish a unique and well thought-out name can bring years of extra joy to fish ownership. Plus, you’ll be more likely to feed a fish when you remember his name.
• Naming a fish after a living friend or relative is an invitation for cosmic disaster. Bad karma will ensue if your fish meets a swift end, and disposal will be complicated by your attachment to the beloved friend or relative, resulting in a fish funeral rather than a quick flush.
• Naming a fish as retribution for the real or imagined emotional crimes of your enemy, ex-boyfriend or in-law is tempting, but inadvisable. Keeping the fire burning in an antagonistic relationship by naming your goldfish after someone you harbor bad feelings for will distance you from what should be a beloved pet. Rise above it.