How to Survive His Midlife Crisis

If it’s true—as the saying goes—that 50 is the new 30, then women everywhere should be especially fearful of their mate's impending midlife crisis: after all, the only thing worse than a 50-year-old tooling around in a sports car and flirting with waitresses is a 50-year-old with the approximate physique (and testosterone level) of a 30-year-old. How do you keep your relationship from crumbling while your partner sows what’s left of his wild oats?

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Fire the au pair. It’s bad enough that your spouse ogles the check-out girls at Wal-Mart; the last thing you need is a cute 20-year-old living in your home who’s never been away from Eastern Europe before. Make alternate arrangements for the kids, preferably with a much older nanny or babysitter. If that’s not possible, warn the au pair that if she so much as glances at your husband, you’ll have her visa revoked.
2. Monitor your joint banking account. It’s perfectly understandable if your husband spends a few hundred dollars here and there on advanced hair treatments or a spiffier wardrobe. However, if you find your financial tank down $44,000 because he just had to have a new Humvee, head him off at the dealership before he brings the gas-guzzling monster home.
3. Don’t try to compete. As your spouse slowly loses his grip on reality, you may be tempted to buy a self-help book that lists ways to “sex up” your marriage. This is a mistake. Parading around the house in a spandex miniskirt isn’t going to dissuade your husband from ogling twenty-somethings; in fact, it may drive him in the other direction. Just be yourself, and let the chips fall where they may.
4. Be indulgent—within reason. If men have to deal with menopause, women have to deal with midlife crises—it’s just nature’s way of evening things out. Unless your mate actually becomes clinically unhinged (in which case you have much bigger problems than can be addressed here), it may be better to let his mild insanity run its course, barring bankruptcy, divorce or jail time.
5. Self-medicate. Have you always wanted to explore the wonderful world of wine, single-malt scotch or over-the-counter painkillers? Now is the time to broaden your horizons. With any luck, your husband will soon be distracted from his midlife shenanigans by his envy (or concern) over your newfound hobby.