How to (Literally) Put the Fireworks Back Into Your Love Life

If you’re like most people, when you saw the title of this article you thought, “Oh, no, not another sissified piece about ways to spice up your marriage!” Pay heed, though, to the word “literally,” because what follows are some completely non-metaphorical ways to toss small-scale ordnance into your floundering relationship. (Note: Don’t really do any of this stuff. In fact, don’t even THINK about doing any of this stuff.)

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Ordinance of various types
• An iron-clad insurance policy

1. Sparklers. Despite what you may have seen on late-night cable movies set in Las Vegas, there are at least a few PG-rated ways to employ these scintillating whatsits. Gals: Plunk one into an enticing chocolate-rum cake, like a candle, or use it as an enticing beacon in a darkened bedroom. Guys: Try impressing the love of your life by juggling three or four at the same time, being sure to clear all pets, children and flammable materials out of the room first.
2. Cherry bombs. Everyone knows there’s only one use for cherry bombs, and that’s to blow up toilets. Since the last thing your teetering romance needs is a big plumbing bill, book a three-day getaway at a small hotel or bed and breakfast (if you feel guilty about it, choose one that’s not very well reviewed), then proceed on your mischief-making way. Remember: Nothing beats acting like spoiled 13-year-olds to add some romantic oomph to a pair of dreary, middle-aged lives.
3. Roman candles. Don’t try this one anywhere near the house. Camp out with your beloved in a nearby field or public park, then set up a circle of these beauties (six or eight should do the trick) in a 100-yard-diameter circle. (Make sure no one else nearby has the same idea, because you don’t want the circles to overlap, resulting in a roman candle up the you-know-what.) Do what comes naturally, then, as you bask in the afterglow, set off the display and rub your romantic ardor in the face of the entire county.
4. Firecrackers. Sometimes, simplest is best. Here’s how it works: Early in the morning, you and your mate each grab a handful of standard-issue firecrackers. In the course of the day, anytime either of you does anything the slightest bit annoying, light one of these suckers up and casually toss it his or her way. He’s slurping his coffee too loud? BANG! She’s nattering on about her weight? BANG! With any luck, by nightfall, the two of you will be so frazzled that you’ll have to arrange some “quiet” time together to settle your nerves.
5. Dynamite. This one is only recommended if your relationship is in an advanced state of decay. On the premise that a fiery disaster will unite two otherwise bickering people in the face of adversity, a big smoking hole in the ground where your country cottage used to be ought to do the trick just fine. Just be careful not to “accidentally” forget that your significant other is still inside rounding up the cats and looking for the insurance documents.