How to keep bums from borrowing money from you

Are you tired of working hard all week long, then trying to relax at the outdoor market, just to have bums bother you for money? Here is a couple of easy solutions to your homeless problem.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Sense of humor
• Torn clothing
• Human or canine excrement

1. While enjoying yourself outside on your day off, sometimes you are approached by homeless people or beggars asking you for change. This normally does not bother anyone until it gets over-populated with undesirables working the racket too. One quick fix is to act unstable or crazy when approached. This confuses the bum and he will move along. A classic example is: Bum: "Change?" You: "No thanks, I have plenty today!"
2. Another great idea is to act like you don't speak English, (or whatever language the bum is communicating with). This frustrates the bum and he will leave.
3. If you are planning on being outside for a while, you can plan ahead and wear torn or tattered clothes. This will repel the bums natural instincts. He will mistake you for competition and become flustered. This is a great date idea as well. You and your blind date will not be bother by bums or anyone really.
4. In extreme situations, you have to roll out extreme solutions.
   Take dog feces and place it in a paper bag. Place the paper bag into your coat pocket. When the bum gets within 5 feet of you, he will smell that you are unclean and possibly poor. Savvy bums will not waste their energy hunting for chump change. Some people have had even better luck combining steps #3 and #4 and smearing the feces on the torn clothing. (See Warning below.)

Tips & Warnings

• Remember, anything you can do to make the bum actually put effort into what he is doing will immediately deter him. He fears labor or work of any kind.
• Bums are quickly adapting to current anti-sponging techniques. They follow a strict code called B.R.O.I. = Bum's Return On Investment. This means that they will not pursue an endeavor that does not have a return on their time and energy spent approaching the person.
• Combining these steps could attract attention from local police. Use this wisely.