How to Be a Grinch

Let’s face it—if it weren’t for those crotchety, bah-humbug types you see swatting away rambunctious children in department store aisles and yellling at Salvation Army volunteers for blocking the sidewalk, the do-gooders of this world would have no one to measure themselves against. If you’re the type who always identified more with the Grinch than the Littlest Who from Whoville, read on for tips about how to cope with the holiday season.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Voice your displeasure. Yuletime carolers have no compunctions about barging into your personal space with off-key renditions of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” so you shouldn’t hesitate to share your feelings in turn—not only with carolers, but with store clerks, telephone solicitors, bus drivers, and random people on the street. Try to maintain a constant, barely audible anti-Christmas patter: “goddamned holidays, all this noise and crowding, don’t these people have anything better to do…”
2. Avoid children. It’s an odd fact about Theodore Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss, the creator of the Grinch) that he never had any kids himself, and apparently wasn’t all that fond of the under-12 set. You’re perfectly entitled to steer clear of places kids congregate (toy stores, playgrounds, schools), but shaking your cane at an adorable tow-headed moppet will only earn you a screaming match with Mom.
3. Don’t buy (or accept) presents. If you’ve blossomed into full-grown Grinchhood, it’s likely that you never received presents when you were a kid, so not giving any of your own is perfectly understandable. The trick is to prevent people from buying gifts for you. If the cursing-under-your-breath routine doesn’t work (see Step 1), consider disappearing from town for the entire month or locking yourself in the attic without a phone.
4. Don’t overload your sled. Take a hint from the TV cartoon: if you’re planning to steal everone’s presents in the dead of night, for god’s sake, load the booty onto two or three sleds rather than just one. Otherwise, your little fur-antlered dog won’t be able to pull the overloaded conveyance and you’ll wind up dangling precariously on a mountain peak.
5. Get an MRI. As you know, the main medical malady of Grinchhood is when one’s heart swells to ten times its normal size. A quick checkup with your doctor will assure that your ticker is suitably tiny, mean and mechanical, and will remain that way long after you’ve finished the roast beast.

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