How to Live in a Cozy Liberal Enclave

Tired of defending your politics and hearing “liberal” used as a dirty word? Are you yearning for a world that believes as you do, votes like you, and knows that family values aren’t just for conservatives anymore? You, too, can live in a blue state bubble; simply follow these steps to learn how to live in a cozy liberal enclave.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• A willingness to relocate, change jobs and make new friends

1. Moving to a primarily liberal state is the start to creating a cozy liberal enclave. Pick a coast, east or west, then look for a location that has a liberal arts college or university, a middle-class income, a high voter turnout, organic produce markets, independent bookstores, green spaces, art galleries, live theatre and coffee houses on every block.
2. Move there, choosing as your neighborhood one with well-kept, but unfertilized lawns, leftist bumper stickers, good schools and recycling bins by every driveway.
   
   
3. Get a job with a company that has partner benefits, matches employee donations to charity, hires liberal arts majors or benefits the community through social consciousness, changing the world one person at a time.
4. Make friends who share your politics. So what if Steve down the block is a heck of a nice guy, once you learn he is a Republican, take him off your Christmas card list. Living in a cozy liberal enclave demands sacrifice. You must cut the conservatives out to create your little world free of gay bashing, slash and burn economics and global warming denial.
5. Spend liberally; shop your politics. Look up the political practices of local businesses and patronize those who believe as you do. Shop with like-minded citizens and breathe freely, knowing the person behind you in line isn’t fantasizing about re-instituting the draft.
6. Marry a liberal. Don’t let your enclave be infiltrated by a closet conservative, no matter how cute.
7. Raise little liberals to populate your cozy liberal enclave. Indoctrinate them young and you’ll have them for life. They’ll be protesting by preschool.

Tips & Warnings

• Cozy liberal enclaves prosper in states that recognize same-sex marriage or civil unions. Go join your gay brethren or prove that straight people can be liberal too by moving in. Ask a lesbian mother about specific neighborhoods; she’ll know where she feels safe and where she just keeps on driving because her bumperstickers could get her killed.
• Reality does sometimes burst your bubble, especially at election time. Sadly, the entire nation doesn’t live in your cozy liberal enclave. Hold comfort-food potlucks with shade grown coffee, or micro-brewery get-togethers when your liberal bubble needs rebuilding.