How to Tell Your Daughter About the Pain of Childbirth

We would spare our children any pain, but with childbirth, pain can come with a lovely 8 lb 6 oz prize! No one really knows how it feels until it happens, but how you tell your daughter about the pain of childbirth will vividly color her picture of that happy occasion. Consider your options before whipping out the verbal indelible markers.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Visual aids
• Guts

1. Consider the picture of childbirth you had painted in your brain before reality struck: did you expect balloons, blue blankies and bliss during birth? Grunting, straining and excessive gore? Pain killers before you entered the building? Do you have issues? Make avoiding those issues top priority when talking with your daughter.
2. Guilt isn’t really the point. Sure, there are parents who tiptoe up to the bed at night, wake their children up and tell them, like Joan Rivers, “You ripped me to shreds,” but telling your daughter about the pain of childbirth isn’t about exacting revenge for a failed episiotomy, it is about introducing her to one of life’s mysteries and underrepresented realities. Be clear on your good intentions before introducing the topic.
3. When to tell that innocent girl about this practical aspect of parenthood? While talking up adoption, step-parenting or co-parenting with a lesbian partner willing to sign up for the bio-mom role may reduce the likelihood your daughter will experience childbirth, the odds are still good she may go through this natural yet complicated process. Don’t go for graphic descriptions—“it was like being peeled alive”—if she’s in preschool, but then again, don’t wait until she’s seen a frightening scenario played out on network television that will haunt her the rest of her days.
4. Truth or dare? Sparing our children pain comes as second nature. One mom moaned, “Tell… Susie… take… meds,” during natural childbirth as she envisioned her daughter going through a similar moment without painkillers. This is where post-birth amnesia comes in handy. If you lie—“The pain is vastly exaggerated”—consider urging painkillers, just in case. If you tell the truth—“All I could think of was ending the pain. I laid there, calculating the distance to the window, wondering if I could throw myself out”—offer her stories of happier, more peaceful birthing experiences, so that you don’t scare her for life.
5. Emphasize the positive. Any talk of childbirth should involve a photo album. Be sure to whip out those postpartum pictures of you beaming with a newborn, or the newborn being held by a beaming relation if you were being sewed up like a quilt. Reiterate that the important thing is the product--the baby--not the process. Whether there are painkillers, C-sections or screamed epithets involved, the healthy baby (and healthy mom) is what it is all about.
6. The unmentionables: childbirth classes seem to skip four facts about physical childbirth that expectant mothers might want to know before they’re giving birth with an audience. Telling your daughter these may break taboos, but could help her make an educated choice later about who to ask into the birthing room: a) she’ll probably throw up, repeatedly, b) she’ll probably poop. There’s a lot of pressure down there when a baby comes out, no need to be alarmed, c) as soon as that baby comes out, and the mom breathes a sigh of relief, some nurse will start pushing on her abdomen like a pile driver to prevent blood clots, just when that seems the least kindly thing to do, and an uninformed mother is too weak to fight back, and d) any necessary sewing up can hurt as much as labor, and seems an eternity.
7. Whatever your daughter’s age, visual aids are helpful. Local science museums may have a display on the process of birth, or there are books available which illustrate the process. This takes the mystery out, but none of the magic. Visit your library or bookstore for options in your area.

Tips & Warnings

• Ignorance is bliss! If you’ve never felt the pain of childbirth, you have no obligation to research how this is experienced. Your daughter can’t blame you later.
• Everyone experiences birth differently. Remember your mother-in-law who constantly described birth as “a little twitch,” then voila—a baby? If your reality involved pharmaceuticals, heart monitors, a long labor and a blood transfusion, that doesn’t mean your daughter’s will. Give her realistic expectations, not extremes.
• While gathering a circle of women friends together to share birthing stories with your daughter might seem like a good idea, the possibility of a competition arising between mothers as to who had the longest labor, the most stitches and the least helpful husband would defeat the purpose.
• Keep in mind that your daughter’s gotta do what she’s gotta do—you can’t control her childbirth experience. Over-controlling mothers are expelled from birthing rooms, hallways and hospitals if they can’t keep quiet. They are branded a “problem parent” for at least five years following, and excluded from information about any subsequent births.
• The goal is to educate, not prevent an unplanned pregnancy. While horror stories are tempting to tell your preteen or teen, they could result in risky business down the road.