How to Raise a Geek

When you raise a geek, you know where they are on a Saturday night—in your basement, playing video games. Raising a geek means never having to say, "How could you?" You know their friends, because they’re in the basement too. They do well in school and don't want to be cool, so geeks rule.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Geek friends
• Computer
• Gaming system

1. To raise a geek, start by being completely un-cool. Coolness rubs off on those nearby, and it is incompatible with geekdom.
2. From an early age, offer no fashionable or trendy options for your child’s clothing, hair, shoes or transportation. Nothing kills a geek’s chance like a nice haircut or good taste in clothes.
3. Encourage chess, computer usage, gaming and higher mathematics over other pursuits.
4. Discourage team sports, non-academic clubs and personal fitness programs—geeks come in all sizes, shapes and colors, but rarely with great pecs.
5. Make your home geek-friendly: put in the latest computer software, gaming system and flat screen television, plus a fridge full of high-caffeine soda.
6. Offer role models. Invite your geekiest friends over often.
7. Be proud of your geek, praising his or her choice of friendship, duct tape and mathematics over popularity.

Tips & Warnings

• Consider avoiding all cool relatives until geekdom is well-established.
• Geeky behavior is not without hazards. Be sure to have the safety talk with your geek, before unauthorized hacking lands him or her in federal prison.
• Remember, the geeks shall inherit the earth, so be good to your geek.