How to Choose a Sperm Donor as a Lesbian Couple

Half the genetic makeup of your child is in your hands—well, his hands—when you choose a sperm donor as a lesbian couple. Whether you go fresh or frozen, consider the following as you take this important step on the path to parenthood.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Make a list of what is important to you and your partner in a sperm donor, such as ethnic or physical likeness to the bio or non-bio mom, height-to-weight ratio, hair color, I.Q., athletic or musical ability, education level, shoe size, sperm count or availability.
2. Compare lists and prioritize them, creating criteria for choosing from available donors through a sperm bank, or for approaching potential known donors. Alternate top choices, beginning with the non-bio mom’s; seek mediation if criteria vastly differ.
3. Fresh versus frozen? Banked sperm is legally and medically safer and offers fewer emotional and practical complications, but is less effective than fresh, which is statistically similar to “the old fashioned way.” Intrauterine insemination ups the odds with banked sperm, an up-front cost that could prevent a legal quagmire later. Books abound on this topic (see Resources).
4. Once the sperm is obtained, begin insemination during the potential bio-mom’s next ovulation, hoping for good luck on the first try.
5. No luck? Try again, pausing to reevaluate the priority list before attempting with donor A again.
6. Still no luck? Going nuts? Only you will know when to consider moving sperm count to the top of the priority list (even if that means a donor with flat feet, narrow shoulders or no mathematical ability), going for a more invasive and expensive procedure or trying fresh, risky, frisky sperm supplied by a sympathetic friend.

Tips & Warnings

• Check with the sperm bank about anonymity—some sperm banks allow contact between donors and recipients; make sure the policy matches your needs.
• When choosing a known potential donor, look for someone who has clear boundaries and positive feelings about you both as parents, and is straightforward about his expectations as a donor now and in the future (they should match yours). Medical screening is a must; offer to pay.
• Factor in both the bio-mom’s and the donor’s increasing age when deciding what reproductive technology to try, even if you’re sick of hearing the phrase “advanced maternal age.” Age does matter.
• When choosing a sperm donor, remember that genetics aren’t everything and that the child who arrives is nature’s crap shoot, no matter the planning involved. So don’t beat yourself up if that special donor becomes unavailable and you have to consider Plan B, C, D or Z.
• Choosing a sperm donor is pretty darned private, but others might not think so. Prepare a strategy to deal with intrusive questions as they arise, so you’re not left speechless in the grocery store when an acquaintance shouts, “Can I borrow your donor?” from the next aisle.