How to Make Excuses for Your Favorite Teams and Athletes

Tired of having no comeback at the office water cooler the day after your football team blows a 28-point lead? Can’t think of anything clever to say when the guy at the next barstool cackles at your favorite golfer for missing a one-foot putt? This handy list of retorts and alibis should cover just about everything!

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. When your favorite relief pitcher gives up a crucial grand slam to a weak hitter: “He probably lost his focus thinking about solutions to global poverty.”
2. Following your top golfer’s blowing a three-stroke lead on the final hole of the Masters: “He clearly grew tired of showing up the rest of the field.”
3. After the place-kicker of your favorite team misses an extra point to lose the Super Bowl: “It’s an EXTRA point! Shouldn’t he get an EXTRA try?"
4. Subsequent to your favorite NBA team missing their last 10 shots to lose game 7 of the NBA finals: “The rim and backboard were clearly defective, and I bet Ralph Nader will be looking into this any day."
5. When your favorite soccer team loses the World Cup following the ejection of their best player for head-butting: “He was just giving the other guy a piece of his mind!”
6. Following your tennis hero’s getting drubbed in the Wimbledon final: “YOU try playing tennis with the sound of people eating strawberries and sipping champagne in the stands!”
7. After your football team is shellacked in the Super Bowl: “They probably just hate the thought of partaking in a large, crowded parade.”

Tips & Warnings

• Anyone can be a good sport—but it’s so much more fun to be an embittered crank with a good excuse handy!

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