How to Use a Restroom Incorrectly

After seeing the results of isolated incidents, I have decided to piece them altogether. I hope you find this educational, and let me know if these help you so I can avoid wherever you relieve yourself.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Dead brain cells

1. When first entering the bathroom, make sure the urinal is clogged with paper towels. If there are no paper towels left, then bunch up as much tissue paper as possible to keep it from draining properly.
2. Enter the stall and pull out a seat cover (gasket) to place on the bowl, but do it lopsided so your aim will be off its edges.
3. While comfortably seated make sure to call someone or have someone call you on their cell phone. Talk loudly and attempt to punctuate the conversation with concise butt belches.
4. Yank on the toilet paper too hard so that you only get a square or, better, half a square. Let this fall to the floor. Repeat until a minefield of these is created on either side of the potty.
5. Wipe in an overzealous fashion to prevent clean removal of fingers from soiled tissue grip. In grabbing reinforcement wads, let your dirty digit(s) come in contact with the roll at an optimal angle so that it is entirely ruined for subsequent visitors.
6. Stand, flush, and leave without looking back. If you have done your duty well, the gasket will not have been pulled down and succulent remnants will remain as well.
7. Rinse your hands unthoroughly and without soap and move them vigorously over the sink to retrieve paper towels.
8. Man-handle these paper towels for maximum fury and minimum effect. Toss them negligently towards the trash receptical, but keep your eye level above the floor (what's there shall remain there).
9. Finally on your way out your hands should be wet enough to lube the door handle with grimy water as you make your exit.

Tips & Warnings

• Try these steps even when all you need to do is pee.
• Girls, make sure to douse the toilet seat when you are hovering, I'm told this makes a great impression.
• One word: barefoot.
• There are diminishing returns on using these steps on the same bathroom within a short period; apply yourself to multiple bathrooms for maximum effect.