How to Become a Cat Lady

It’s a slippery slope from cat lover to feline fanatic, but being a Cat Lady isn’t all bad. You’re never lonely, always needed, and how could anyone say no to all those pretty kitties in need of a home?

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Many litter boxes
• Many food and water dishes
• A house
• Cat food in bulk
• Cats
• Cat litter in bulk

1. Adopt a needy kitty or two from an animal shelter, or invite in some strays.
   
   
2. Allow the kitties free reign over your home, but keep them inside only, with little separate dishes lined along the kitchen counters.
3. Take in every cat that shows up at your door, but don’t bother to get them spayed or neutered. Have a "the more the merrier" attitude, and name them all from the Old Testament.
4. Increase the number of kitty litter boxes in your house. Have one in every room so they need to be changed less often.
5. Close all the windows in the house to retain that sweet feline smell.
   
   
6. Decrease the population of adult cats at the animal shelter by adopting a few more.
   
   
7. Sleep with all your cats in your bedroom.
   
   
8. Mew softly to yourself as you putter back and forth to the store for cat food. Eschew all human contact.

Tips & Warnings

• Keeping two dozen cats is a full-time job--being a Cat Lady is best taken on by the retired person, the unemployed or the independently wealthy.
• Adopting cats of differing colors and hair types will help differentiate them while you are getting in tune with your feline friends. A houseful of cats you can't tell apart might prevent bonding and weaken the Cat Lady-feline relationship.
• Being a Cat Lady during your reproductive years is a bad idea (though being a Cat Lady is an excellent birth control method); changing kitty litter during pregnancy is a health hazard.
• To avoid intervention from relatives or friends who just don’t understand, lie about the exact number of cats in your home and teach the cats to “Hide!” when the doorbell rings.
• There are laws in most cities regarding the number of cats allowed, but these are rarely enforced unless the overabundance is brought to the attention of officials. Keep your cats under your hat.
• Expect fewer guests once your feline friends are in situ—many people are allergic to cats, some are superstitious and a few intolerant souls might be repelled by the drifts of cat hair on your sofa or the hairballs on the floor.
• The slippery slope from Cat Enthusiast to Cat Lady is hard to judge for oneself; seek counselling if the cats are starting to give the orders around the house, begin speaking in tongues or are part of a worldwide conspiracy to take over the planet.