How to Live with a Labrador

How much is that doggie in the window? When it comes to America’s most popular pooch, the price of the dog is nothing compared to the home repairs, dog food cost and cleaning bills you’ll face; but that loving Labrador retriever is worth it. Once you’ve made your choice and brought home a Lab, here are some tips on how to live happily with your retriever.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Dog training expert on retainer
• Dog food
• Chew toys
• Labrador
• Leash
• Pooper scooper

Living with a Labrador Puppy

1. Look into your puppy’s adorable eyes, and lower your standards of cleanliness, of landscaping, of punctuality, of how smelly you are willing to be.
2. Sign up for puppy classes as soon as you return home with the puppy; use your cell phone at the breeder’s if possible.
3. Remove all chewable objects from the floor: shoes, purses, pillows, recycling bins, computer hard drives and toddlers.
4. Gate off any areas the puppy shouldn’t go using metal gates (plastic gates won’t last a day or wooden ones an hour).
5. Don’t let that puppy out of your sight for a second! Use positive reinforcement for every good behavior (“Good Rover, good pooping outside!”), and not shaming. Labradors are the surfer dudes of the canine world, and will look at you blankly if you point out the error of their ways.
6. Practice on a leash as soon as you get a collar on that pup. Make him follow you, or you will be following him with your arm outstretched shouting, “Heel, Rover, heel!” for the next 12 years.
7. Learn home repair skills as your Labrador enters the teen years and teethes on doors, stairs and kitchen cupboards, as well as swallowing aluminum cans, entire collars (spitting out the metal parts), and any chew toy marketed as "lasts for hours."
8. Once mature at four, your Lab will become the dog of your dreams--provided you’ve trained him, gotten used to piles of poop and don’t mind finding dog hair in every square inch of your home, including in the refrigerator and its contents.
9. Enjoy his golden years of calmness as arthritis sets in, his ebullience wanes and you have the perfect dog.

Living with a Used Labrador

10. After choosing a Labrador based on brains, beauty, price, sob-story or availability, bring her home to stay, accepting her for who she is, warts and all.
11. As warts appear (nervous peeing, a chronic skin problem, leash-aversion, actual warts or a desperate desire to disembowel squirrels) ask yourself, “Am I perfect? Am I one to throw stones? Can I look into those brown eyes and say that I’ve never sinned?” Then grab the mop.
12. Get to know each other, and expect to lose some shoes, a chair, that heirloom writing desk from Great Aunt Lucy or a laptop. Every relationship comes with a price.
13. Take a class together to bone up on the obedience basics; she needs you to know how to be boss, you need to stop tearing your hair out or you’ll be bald.
14. Be glad you have skipped the deck replacement/door devouring/aluminum can-eating stage, and enjoy your mature Labrador, who already has her permanent teeth.

Tips & Warnings

• Some Labrador owners send their puppies off to boarding school for training, an expensive option, but cheap when compared to the cost of a complete deck rebuild or a personal injury lawsuit when Rover knocks down the neighbor.
• Was your puppy pint-sized and the adult version is a brewery? Enjoy your monster dog; take pride in his ability to terrify intruders, haul a sled full of school children or pull your car out of a ditch.
• What you see isn’t always what you get. If you’re buying a purebred Labrador, meet the parents before buying. Are they British Labs (stoic, steady), or American Field Labs (tall, kinetic and difficult to train). Knowing what the in-laws are like will help predict Junior’s behavior.
• Expect to know your vet on a first-name basis and have her on speed dial. Time is of the essence when it comes to upchucking poisonous plants, chocolate cakes, sharp objects and large denomination bills.
• Tempting though it may be, never shave your Lab to keep shedding under control; an embarrassed Labrador will call the ASPCA quicker than you can hide the clippers.
• Big Black Dog or Labrador? Labradors have certain predictable behaviors (some of them good), but many “Labradors” are really mixed breed dogs with non-Lab personalities. Don’t expect a purebred personality unless there’s proof with purchase.
• Labradors can be addictive--avoid puppies, breeders, animal shelters and want ads unless you want to live with additional Labs.
• Labradors can be challenging, but don’t really know how to use the phone; contact the American Kennel Club for serious suggestions for living with Labradors.