How to Raise a Sports Superstar

Why bother encouraging your child to merely be President of the United States when even a backup major league infielder makes more than twice as much dough?

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Forget playing classical music while they're in the womb-songs like the "Wide World of Sports" theme will be a better early influence.

2. Encourage your child's interest in sports, but give them choices as well. Make sure, for example, their playpen has a football, baseball, basketball, hockey stick AND golf club in it.

3. Base their allowance amount completely on their sporting achievements. Doesn't a little league MVP, after all, deserve a bit more than a kid rarely getting off the pine?

4. Get them excited about playing well enough to receive a sports scholarship-as opposed to the unpaid, four-year coal-mining internship you've arranged as an option.

5. Ease their fears by letting them know not every big sports star turns out like Terrell Owens.

6. No matter how much they beg, NO homework until they've put in three hours of sports practice.

7. Remind them that, win or lose, you still love them. You'll just love them a little more when they win.

Tips & Warnings

• If you don't take the time to mold your child into a big-shot athlete, you may end up with the embarrassment of having an honor roll student living under your roof!
• This is for entertainment purposes only and not intended for actual use.

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[ewmcguire]

on 12/21/2007 I love that this article is linked to a "how to date a superstar." Just think if you combined all the suggestions--you could be the next Posh and Beck fam!