How to Become an NFL Head Coach Overnight

Why spend years toiling in Pop Warner, high school and college football when by taking a few shortcuts you can be the man in charge of a pro team overnight?

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Make up a fake identity with an authoritative, football-coach-ish sounding name. Vince Shula should work, or maybe Chuck Lombardi.
2. Create a phony resume listing Notre Dame, Ohio State and the Pittsburgh Steelers as past employers. Use Steelers Coach Bill Cowher as a reference and hope like heck they don’t actually call him!
3. Come up with some terms to throw around that no one will understand in your interview process: “I’d install the fleagle defense immediately and would probably go with the gaffindish offense, at least on passing downs.” Hopefully they’ll think you’re a genius innovator and not just a nutcase.
4. Be willing to take whatever they’ll pay to start, and work that into your sales pitch: “Look—you need a coach you can afford and you need results, and I can fit at least half the bill there.”
5. Gain player support by calling all the starters and telling them their positions will be secure under you. Likewise, call all the backups and tell them you’re eager to shake up the starting lineup.
6. Lure all the existing NFL head coaches to a supposed ESPN football banquet, where you’ve actually planted drugs and called the FBI for a sting. Boom—thirty-two job openings, just like that!

Tips & Warnings

• If you can’t get a legitimate NFL team to give you a shot, perhaps the Oakland Raiders will hire you.
• This is for entertainment purposes only and not intended for actual use.